• ABC
• Your secret's safe with me, Blakely.

ABC’s veteran The Bachelor sunk to its lowest numbers ever Monday night, with 7.2 million viewers and a 2.2 rating in the adult demo. That’s down 8 percent from last week’s premiere. It’s pretty early in the show’s spring cycle to sink to a low and last night should have been stronger since rival CBS aired nothing but repeats.

AHAHAHAAAA. People would rather re-watch episodes of "The Mentalist" or whatever shit CBS was airing than watch "The Bachelor." The blogs are blaming Ben, but, c'maaaaaaan, what would viewers NOT like about a guy who cries about his deceased father every 30 minutes or so? So, let's really think about this ...

Remember what frothy-mouthed psychopaths people became when it was announced that Chaz Bono was going to be a contestant on "Dancing With the Stars?"

HOW, Middle America wondered, could ABC tarnish something as wholesome as a program about scantily clad dancers/celebrities in whore makeup grinding their support hose-encased pelvises against muscly men with foreign accents by including some sexually confused celebukind who went and had her God-given vagina sewed up (or however gender reassignment surgery happens) and became a pudgy man.

HEY, GWYNEDD, WHERE ARE YOU GOING WITH THIS?

Well, what I'm saying is that Blakely — by virtue of looking very much like one — could be a former man. Probably named Blake. And, boy (!), is she overcompensating. The big, white false teeth! The big, white false breasts! Did the left-leaning commudicks down at ABC learn nothing about alienating the network's right — as in, correct — wing viewership by embracing "alternative lifestyles?"

Speaking of, what's a great alternative to doing a thing that's fun for television? Why, going to Sonoma, of course! And watching home movies (falls asleep). And putting on a play (lapses into a coma).

The first lucky lady to paint the town beige with Ben is someone called KCB, which we all agree is a weird name for a traditional Southern girl, right? After a pleasant enough evening of dinner and an asshole parade — replete with baton twirling — Ben and KCB go to an old theater to watch each others home movies.

A self-evident truth: You are the only person who enjoys watching your home movies. Unless you're an elderly person who was videotaped falling whilst attempting to skateboard, in which case, you need to get in touch with Tom Bergeron immediately because everyone wants to see that. And how mean to make us watch them watch their home movies! The whole thing was just another way to remind us/Ben that his dad passed away and he's still very sad about it, and for the producers to meet their outward-display-of-emotion quota. See, they needed tears, so they made someone sit and watch something that is literally sad. If Ben didn't have a recently deceased parent, I swear they would've made him and KCB sit in a theater and watch fucking ASPCA commercials (oh my god, don't click that link).

Eeesh, and then the play. Let's just discuss the highlights, shall we?
— When that little Peppermint Patty who took charge at the auditions asked Nicki to do a sexy dance, then asked Blakely to jog in slow motion in her tit outfit.

— Blakely's tit outfit. "I want to make sure that he sees me and notices me," Blakely says, so she stuffed herself into some poor, naked infant's OshKosh B'Gosh onesie. Luckily her balls didn't break through the snap crotch.

— Jenna in her wizard costume. Instead of making magic, she makes things uncomfortable.

— Of course that panty-sniffer Chris Harrison is hosting the Miss America Pageant this year. (Sorry, I couldn't think of any other highlights from the play.)

Back at the brothel, Nicki (who, I'm not kidding, is my favorite so far) tells Ben, saliva leaking out of the side of her mouth, "I think I can speak for everyone when I say we were really impressed how you were with the kids today." She wears her ovaries on her sleeve, see. And they're throbbing.

Ben makes out in the hot tub with the girl who looks like Christina Hendricks (until she cries, at which point she looks like Kathy Bates), then makes out in the pool with Blakely, who's being a total sexpig. The best is when the one with the monsterface says that "Blakely is super fakely." That girl might not being killing in the looks department, but she is also not killing in the good puns department (... wait).

The next one-on-one date goes to Courtney! Who is good at being a bitch, because she's so bad at it. She's also inquisitive, but bad at that, too. See, after KCB — who seems like a real sweetheart — reads Courtney's date card, Courtney asks, "How did that taste coming out of your mouth?"

WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT?

Worse than saying something so weird: REPEATING IT. Again, crickets. Courtney. Stop it.

Ooooooh-wheeee! I hope Courtney's already morbidly obese ego is hungry, because Ben is ready to feed it. He just can't get over the fact that she's so witty (no, absolutely not), smart (I really doubt it) and beautiful (k, fine), but still single. Courtney explains that she's just picky, and that it's definitely NOT that she's a spooky bitch who alienates normal people. Even Ben's dog didn't seem to like her very much, and I trust his judgement way more than I trust Ben's. Seriously, that guy has more personality in his weird, stubby tail than his owner has in his weird, stubby tail.

And again, Jenna is the star of the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party. FINALLY, she gets a few minutes alone with Ben to explain herself, let him know she's "not your typical girl," rather that she is an absolute drunk who obviously blogs because her verbal communication skills are just no good. Such a good red flag: "I feel like I’m a guy in how I act. Being around girls all the time is very abnormal for me." Girls who do not like other girls cannot be trusted. Especially when their biggest hobby is sobbing whilst curled-up like a fetus.

Blakely dabbles in fetal crying in the suitcase room, but mostly just to get more attention from Ben.

BUT, HEY, WHO WENT HOME AFTER THE ROSE CEREMONY?

No, seriously. I'm asking. Well, Jenna I know, but who the hell was that weird redneck with two-toned hair and how did she sneak into the house? I blame Chris. Who knows who he has coming and going.