The Bachelor’: We need to talk about Ben

• ABC
• He’s used to doing this with his bare hands.

You might have noticed that for the past couple weeks, I’ve neglected to post a recap of ‘The Bachelor.’ It’s not that I haven’t been watching. I have. It’s that I’ve emerged from each viewing so goddamn bored that when I start writing, only boring, unfunny things come out of my hands.

Here was a lede I was working on for a recap of last week’s episode ...
What did everyone think of the sequel to “A River Runs Through It,” entitled “A River is Still Running Through It: On the Lures of Love?!” Personally, I thought it was poorly acted. But the editing was impecable.

Seriously though, when I committed myself to this series in an intimate beachfront ceremony in the Caribbean, wearing a simple sleeveless, silk shift dress, the waves lapping at my ankles, I never, ever imagined that I’d eventually have to watch people fly fish. Isn’t it crazy? To make people watch other people do something that has to be one of the most boring activities in the world, even for the people physically doing it? WAKE UP I’M TALKING TO YOU.

I just threw up my Subway reading that. Believe it or not, it tastes even worse on its way out. But what I’ve decided is that I’m not going to blame myself for struggling to make something interesting out of something that’s been really uninteresting. Instead I’m going to blame Ben.

I blame Ben because he says things that aren’t true. FOR INSTANCE, on his date with Rachel — nostril piercing, smokers voice — he said he thinks they have “good chemistry.” That is absolutely false. They talked about squinting. They both squinted, and then they fucking talked about squinting. Also, why does Ben refuse to wear sunglasses? Granted, a Cro-Magnon-esque forehead protrusion must provide some shade, but this guy is just forever squinting.

THEN, Ben emerges from the date thinking it went well because Rachel “opened up,” a thing she talked about having trouble doing. Ah, but, see. Talking about having trouble opening up does not equal actually opening up. Ben’s mistaken.

Anyway, at the root of Ben’s saying things that are untrue is the fact that he generally has nothing to say. At the root of that is the fact that he’s extraordinarily boring. At the root of that: the fact that he’s not Bentley. Now, there’s a guy who had things to say and was willing to say them even if they were horrifying. I believe I called him an “unapologetic sociopath,” and I meant that, but in such a good way (see, I say what’s on my mind too; MATCH MADE IN HEAVEN). If Bentley was the Bachelor, I’d watch four-hour episodes. Four times a day.

ALRIGHT. It’s not Ben’s fault that he doesn’t subsist on the tears of bowlegged dental students the way Bentley did (he subsists on animal carcasses). Also not his fault: the producers are setting up dumb dates.

I won’t belabor what a boring idea fly fishing was since I already tried and failed, but, like, how ‘bout the San Francisco bikini skiing date? HOW WACKY! S-s-skiing in San Francisco?! WHAT’LL THEY THINK OF NEXT? When people look stupid doing a thing that’s so obviously stupid, making fun of them is stupid.

AHHHHH. And who the fuck is Clay Walker?? Besides a country singer who writes lyrics, like, “I didn’t know you were gonna be in the bar when I walked in ... ‘til I walked in.” I guess that’s all we really need to know about him.

IS THERE STILL HOPE FOR THE REST OF THE SEASON?