Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Recap City 'The Bachelor,' Ep. 5: Play balls
Posted by Gwynedd Stuart @gwynnstu on Wed, Feb 1, 2012 at 1:00 PM
- ABC
- "No hay llanto en el beisbol."
I also have a very strong suspicion that Courtney, who talks a lot about the indelibility of her "shit list," actually has a sheet of paper somewhere covered with names scrawled in excrement.
So, we're in Puerto Rico and LOOK! Ben's wearing sunglasses. Whoop ... OK, that was short lived. Ben hates not squinting as much as Emily hates keeping her pursed lips in the middle of her face where they belong. (See picture, bottom right.)
Nicki, who I thought I liked because she looks like Susanna Hoffs if Susanna Hoffs was a soap star but then realized I don't like very much at all, gets the first one-on-one date, which makes Courtney angry. And when Courtney gets angry, it looks like her skull is going to explode through her tightly drawn, shiny face-flesh. Like, even more so than usual.
So, Ben and Nicki take a helicopter (a doi) to San Juan, and as they're strolling around — making awkward small talk, no doubt — it starts to rain. At first it seems like Nicki doesn't process that it's raining. Then she turns into this part of this movie.
They use the rain as an excuse to buy some authentic Puerto Rican costumes: an authentic giant tampon costume for Ben and an authentic penniless-slut-wearing-a-giant-handkerchief costume for Nicki.
Now, did anyone hear what Ben and Nicki were talking about when they were sitting outside the church while the wedding was going on? I sure didn't, because all I could see was that the person whose butt was floating above Nicki's left should had the most intense, painful-looking wedgie I've ever seen. I bet I didn't miss much.
OOOOH. A thing I like: Nicki calls Ben "Bin." Just like Ashley called him "Ban." Like he's a deodorant.
Group date time! The date card said something about diamonds being a girl's best friend (or, like, exactly that) and Emily seemed to think that meant they were all going to get diamonds. NO YA BIG DUMMY you're playing baseball. After the fishing date, my friend Ally and I are pretty sure that these aren't just goofball competitions to entertain the dullards who watch the show (hey, that's me!), and that Ben is actually choosing a mate based, at least somewhat, on her athletic prowess and ability to provide food for her family in the wild.
Best parts of the group date ...
— Chris Harrison shows up to explain the rules of the game, but mostly to stress how important it is that after the game the girls leave their sweaty panties somewhere he can find them.
— Jennifer blowing it. And Blakely — testosterone coursing through her veins — yelling about it. And then everyone crying about it. Seriously, my friend's dad called me "Cry Baby" all through high school because when I was, like, nine I played softball and occasionally cried when I struck out (which was always) ...
— If only — IF ONLY — Courtney had come along sooner and coined a phrase I think we can expect to hear a lot and for years to come: "THERE'S NO CRYING IN BASEBALL." Ahahahaha. There's no crying in baseball. Where does she come up with this stuff? Somebody get Bartlett's on the phone.
(Note: Yes. I realize this is a quote from "A League of Their Own." What I'm making fun of here is that there hasn't been a baseball thing that's happened since 1992 during which someone didn't say "There's no crying in baseball.")
Oh, and then, best part of the stupid after "party" thing:
When Courtney's feeling threatened and asks if she can "steal" Ben for a minute, and sounds exactly like this ...
Poor, poor, poooooooooor Elyse. There was no way she was coming out of her one-on-one date alive, was there? What a tanner Patti Stanger she is. Aw, and not very smart either. She talks about her great job roughly a minute before she tells Ben that she quit her job to be on this awful show. And then she says her reason for being there is that she's "sick of being single." What a thing to say. Then she backpedals by doing the opposite and basically reiterating how inconsequential Ben is in her plans to be in a relationship, be engaged, and eventually be married so she doesn't have to feel sick of a thing anymore.
And then Ben does something redeeming! Instead of just telling Elyse that she's a dumb, browner-Stanger and telling her to fuck off, HE PICKS UP THE ROSE, let's her think she's getting it for a few beautiful moments, and then tells her to fuck off. God, watching her inevitable departure slowly sink in felt so good.
Blah, blah, skinny dipping, blah, blah.
OK, fine. The skinny dipping is kind of important ("Bachelor"-important which puts it somewhere between Kenny G's divorce and Lindsay Lohan crotchshots from 2008). For one thing, they for sure fucked, right? And now those fuckers have a secret, one that makes a-holes out of all the other girls. Especially Jennifer who kept screaming that skinny dipping IS SO FREEEEING. IT'S REALLY SO FREEING. And Emily, who I think might be brain damaged. It's so embarrassing that she can't stop talking to Ben about Courtney even when the whole conversation began with a promise that she would stop talking to Ben about Courtney. It's soooo much worse now that she's insulting Ben's penis' taste (ew) in women.
But Emily doesn't go home! Even though Ben clearly hates her! Nooooo, no. We'll keep her around a little while longer, fan the flames and wait 'til she snaps. Instead, let's get rid of Jennifer. Why? BECAUSE SHE BLEW THAT FUCKING BASEBALL GAME. Never gonna land a man batting like that. Or, ow, yikes, crying like that either. I think my friend Ally said it best when she called Jennifer "The ugliest cryer since Claire Danes."
Next week ... Panama City, Panama! I wonder when Courtney was there last.
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