• ABC
• Things are about to get crotchy.

Panama City, Panama, huh? Really makes Panama City, Florida, look like Panama City, Florida.

Courtney's all confident, Ben's hair's all mushroomed, and Blakely's all upset that, yet again, she's not going on a one-one-one date. Upset because she has a mean case of blueballs.

KCB, who very much loves an off-the-shoulder blouse, gets the date and is instructed to bring three things with her scuz she and Ben are going to a private island to fart around and pretend like their ability to not die after a couple hours means something. "Today we really need to be here for each other," says Ben. "If we accomplish this we can do anything." Anything that is exactly this.

The three items Ben brought were a machete (which he pronounces like Alex Trebek would), a fishing net, and matches, so if worse comes to wurst, he can slit KCB's throat, wrap her body in the fishing net and set the whole thing on fire. KCB brought a stuffed animal, a cork screw, and a bag of candy because she's slow.

The first half of the date involves more grunting and coconut cracking than actual conversation, which is good news for these two. Pressure's on for dinner, though. Ben says, "I'm kinda looking forward to diving in DEEP tonight," which would sound sexually threatening if Ben wasn't s'much of a woman.

With nary a dead loved one to lean on for DEEP conversation, KCB resorts to the next best thing: an eating disorder. No, sorry, her eating disorders. In high school she was anorexic and bulimic, until she got caught being those things at a Super Bowl party (how topical). This made her grow up faster than her peers and created the strong woman we see before us today. She keeps the majority of that strength in her calves.

Shames:

• What a shame that most of the people in indigenous tribes in remote areas are exposed to are either missionaries or Bachelor contestants.

• What a shame this group date didn't turn into Cannibal Holocaust. Not because I think all (or any) indigenous people living in jungles are cannibals, but because I think Bachelor contestants should be eaten.

• What a shame that Courtney's attempts to have everyone stare at her nipples a bunch result in everyone staring at her nipples a bunch.

I don't know. I don't knooooooooow. I kind of don't believe those beaded top things were see-through enough to warrant a black bar over Courtney's breasts, mostly because none of the female tribeswomen had black-barred breasts. BUT, really, just wear your fucking bikini. And stop shaking your tits at children, even if those children live in what would appear to be a more nude-friendly society than our own. If her sarong would've fallen off when she was playing soccer with those kids, I would have called 911.

AND SHE NEVER STOPS. She has such an unquenchable thirst for attention and also she's SO good at demonstrating that thirst. Like, Koko the Gorilla-good at thirst demonstration. It's impossible to ignore a 300-pound ape-genius who knows sign language. And it's impossible to ignore Courtney, because she absolutely won't allow it.

Ugh, so, already, poooor Jamie. All she wants to do is talk to Ben for a minute. To begin with, she's not good at talking. She starts rambling about what a "wonderful guy" Ben is, and even the camera person isn't willing to not focus instead on the fact that Courtney the Sexy Skeksi is skulking around in the background. She disrobes. Slowly. She gets in the pool. She gets out of the pool. She does each of those things a few times. She lays on a chair with a glass of wine and gently strokes her stomach with the tips of her fingers. Aw, and Jamie's still talking.

She says, "I honestly feel that because of Courtney, I'm going to be going home." Oh, don't worry, you. You'll have yourself to blame in the end.

Later we get to see Courtney's more vulnerable, more quietly psychopathic side as she waits for Ben to visit her in her room, a thing that never happens. This is upsetting to her because she's been so consistently let down by men who show her attention at first, then end up taking her for granted. Obviously, this pattern has had nothing to do with the fact that she's an awful person who's probably near impossible to be around for any extended period of time.

Blakely was really excited going into the two-on-one date with Rachel, wasn't she? Very confident. But WHO WOULDN'T BE, what with a super-cool scrapbook like that. See, Blakely decided it was time she show Ben her softer side. A side that's softer than the rock-hard erection she rubbed against his leg all night whilst salsa dancing. So she did what any 34-year-old woman whose development has been severely arrested would, and made Ben a book of their memories out of construction paper and magazines cutouts! Ben reacts like a supportive special-ed teacher and tells her how great it is, but then promptly asks her to leave. He sends her off into the night like the lost little kitten the camera men so subtly cut to. But not before she grips his head with her gigantic hands, and cries her big, hot tears-n-snot onto his neck.

LOOOK IT'S CHRIS. How long until a woman starts crying? Not long at alllllll. So, he shows up because his "sources" — c'maaan Chris, we all know Satan is omniscient — told him that KCS still has a boyfriend. And, as it turns out, watching a person who isn't very smart be confronted about a thing they can't figure out how to properly lie about is pret-ty rewarding. So is watching Chris Harrison trying to squelch his laughter while that person sobs. When KCS FINALLY leaves, Chris is, like, "Well, ladieeeeeeeeeees, we have a cocktail party to get ready for ..." Then he whips out HIS cocktail.

Speaking of cocks, it's finally time for Jamie to make a dick of herself by straddling Ben and instructing him how they should kiss one another! The sad thing is that I'm not a gifted enough writer — not even close — to do justice to how uncomfortable it was to watch. So, just watch this instead ...

And imagine that with more of this ...

BYE, JAMIE. Now that I know your name, I'll sure miss you in Belize.