Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Recap City 'The Bachelor,' Ep. 8: I couldn't help but wonder ...
Posted by Gwynedd Stuart @gwynnstu on Tue, Feb 21, 2012 at 5:51 PM
- Chris Mihal photoshoppin'
- Get Courtney'd away ...
Anyway, this is a show that my friend Ally and I remember well because we RELATE to it, of course — she's such a Miranda (oh my God, I'm just kidding) — but, also, because I own all six seasons on DVD and I'm not even embarrassed about it (me right now).
You know who else knows very much about "Sex and the City?" Courtney does. Now, all season she's consistently excelled at demonstrating that she has no original thoughts or genuine feelings by reciting recognizable lines from popular culture things. "Winning," she says sometimes. Hey, but that's Charlie Sheen's line, lady. Other times she's like, "There's no crying in baseball!" You're not Jimmy Dugan, we say whilst slowly shaking the heads we've cocked to the side. Then sometimes she's reciting seemingly heartfelt-if-fake wedding vows she wrote on-the-spot at a wedding venue to which she brought Ben and she says, "I’m looking for love. Real love. Passionate, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love." And Ally's like, "Wait a minute, isn't that from 'Sex and the City?'
Season Six. Finale episode. To Aleksandr Petrovsky. Carrie Bradshaw says, "I am a person who's looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love."
Snap. Is what Courtney would say.
The bad news for Ben is that he's for sure going to propose to a person with the imagination and cognitive abilities of a toddler. The good news for us is that now we know there are DVD players in hell.
HOMETOWN VISITS. Wheeeeeeee. Ben (and his band The Borings) load into their American-made SUV for tour stops in lovely and horsey Ocala, Florida; something-y Something, Tennessee; cowboy-stuff-filled Fort Worth, Texas; and Scottsdale "Gateway to the Underworld" Arizona.
In Florida, Lindzi greets Ben on horseback. It's, like, Lindzi. Get off the horse for a minute to say hi. She can't! She loves horses that much. "Horses have been my life since before I was born," she says, even though it doesn't make sense.
Then he meets Lindzi's parents and, let me tell you, these people are great. And not even just because her dad's name is Harry Cox (thanks, Jamie and Steve!) Really adorable, sweet people who drink delicious Chardonnays out of wine glasses that look like mason jars with stems. And for some reason they like Ben. Harry Cox wants Lindzi out of his hair(y cox).
Next we have to meet KCB's family in Tennessee. Her good, Christian family. First she forces Ben to listen to loud marching band sounds whilst watching her baton twirl like a giant dork. Then she forces him to listen to the sounds of her laughter, which are like the Lindzi's makeup of laughing sounds. Nightmarish. Don't even get me started on what she's wearing.
KCB's dad — sorry, her day-ay-ud; he says it with so many extra syllables — is a no-nonsense, federal probation officer who doesn't think couples should live together before marriage and doesn't buy into this Bachelor shit. Foremost on his mind: Ben's ultimate happiness. "I want you to find the right person through all of this," he says. Just make sure that person isn't my daughter.
KCB realizes that this did not go well. Good. Maybe she won't be quite as surprised or upset when she gets sent home ... AHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.
Jesus. I can't believe Nicki's only 26. And, look! She has a funky mom. Funky, cool mom with whom she sits on a bed and talks to about BOYZ. After their outing to the Fort Worth Stockyards — how predictable; Fort Worth should be annoyed — Ben and Nicki meet up with Nicki's parents and dud of a brother.
Her dad seems like a nice enough guy. Feels partly responsible for Nicki's divorce because he's the one who gave her permission to get married. No, no, silly. It's the emotional trauma you likely inflicted on her as a child that's to blame.
Following Ben's departure, Nicki says, "If it can be this good now, it can be this good forever." Ahaha. Divorcee humor.
It's Courtney time. My favorite time. Aw, and, look. She's trying to pretend she's not a monster. "I feel really disappointed in myself for treating the girls the way I did," she says. It's not a quote from anything, but it's jeeeeust as disingenuous.
Ben: "It would really bother me if I ended up with someone who rubbed people the wrong way." How about someone who rubbed MILLIONS OF PEOPLE the wrong way?
Courtney's dad is such a dad in his argyle vest. And her mom is such an escapee from an insane asylum. "You looks so pretty, mom," Courtney says before calling up Chris Harrison and talking shit about her mom behind her back for, like, three-and-a-half hours.
Arranging a fake wedding for someone is unbelievably psychotic, unless you're on this show, in which case, it's standard operating procedure. Did't Ashley do this with one of her smiley fartfaces last season? I don't know. It seemed less scary because the producers arranged it. This fake wedding was the product of Courtney's rotten, lascivious mind — and the Sarah Jessica Parker edition of Bartlett's Familiar Quotations.
BUT WHO'S GOING HOME????? I actually guessed Nicki. Ally said "Or KCB." She wins. I blame that disgustoid dip-dyed dress. And how appropriate that Courtney's dress is made of scales.
Rival misery-induced-sexual-climaxes:
— When Courtney thinks about hugging KCB goodbye and then remembers that she's hatred incarnate, so she just kind of leans over and makes a face.
— All of KCB's limo interview. "What the FUCK happened?" she asks twice, eye makeup creating hideous Us under her eyes. Whoo. I had to smoke a cigarette afterward.
Next week ... SWITZERLAND. I can't believe they're allowed there. It's so clean.
Comments (1)
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Although Courtney's evil pursuit of our bachelor's heart is eerily similar (both in look and ambition) to the zombie pushing his face through a car's windshield to eat Laurie's face off...I cannot accept a Bachelor review before a review of Sunday's Walking Dead episode...Shame, Gwynedd! Shame, I say!
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