Wednesday, February 29, 2012

'The Bachelor,' Ep. 9: There's no farting in Switzerland

Posted By on Wed, Feb 29, 2012 at 9:00 AM

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When I was in Switzerland several years ago to visit family, I farted — audibly — in the presence of one of my adorable, Swiss cousins. She admonished me even though we weren't in public, so I asked, "Well, what do people do in Switzerland if they have to fart?" She told me, simply and without further explanation, "We take them [the farts, presumably] with us."

(Another cute Swiss cousin thing: She thought "pan pizzas" were "Pam pizzas." "Like Pam Anderson," she explained.)

So, according to her, the Swiss are a people who live their lives with old farts festering in their bellies, and I submit it's a condition they're willing to endure because of the overwhelming pride they take in the cleanliness and beauty of their surroundings. And Switzerland IS clean and beautiful, whether or not that's because it isn't all polluted with farts. How CRAZY, then, that the Swiss would allow the human farts of "The Bachelor" to film an episode (sorry, TWO) in their pristine country, especially the disease-infested fantasy suite episode! OR maybe they didn't. You know how some people think the moon landing was filmed on a soundstage? I have a similar conspiracy theory about last night's episode. But, instead of a soundstage, I posit that the whole thing was filmed in Alpine Helen, GA. I've been both places. They're basically the same.

Some people read magazines on a plane. Some people watch movies or television programs on their iPads. Ben? Well, he just stares out the window and thinks positive, polite thoughts about the three women he'll be entering in Europe.

Ben on Nicki: "Warm, loving, and kind of a dark horse." "Open, gentle, caring, super-sweet ... very kind hearted."
Me on Nicki: Desperation's a stinky cologne, and this woman reeks to high heaven. Also, Ben, don't call women horses.

Ben on Lindzi: "She's little bit country and a little bit city, and she wears them both so well." "She's open and funny and honest and she's herself."
Me on Lindzi: Never mind. I bet you could get away with calling Lindzi a horse. She's so this.

Ben on Courtney: "There's a weird magical force that pulls us together. She's extremely unique." "I like that she’s a little nerdy. I think that’s why I hold her in such high regard." "She’s exciting, spontaneous, she has a rebellious side." "With her I have Chemistry unlike I’ve ever felt with anyone in my life."
Me on Courtney:

Oh, yeah, and Ben says, "I've experienced every emotion in the book on this journey — love, anger, sadness." Aw, such a short book.

These people are forever comparing the things they're physically doing to the state of their relationship. I'm pretty sure it's a thing the producers prompt them to do. It seemed extra egregious this episode.

Nicki and Ben take a helicopter to one mountain and then to another mountain, and Nicki's like, "Being on top of this mountain with Ben, you can see forever — just like our relationship. But then theres a cliff there, which could also be our future, our relationship ending abruptly." Yes, cliffs.

At the evening date, this bitch just goes on and on about loving him, wanting to be with with, bearing his children, until finally Ben says, "I LOVE our conversations ... but wanna fuck?" (Basically what he said.) Unfortunately, Ben could stick his dick in her mouth and she'd probably STILL go on about how much she loves him and how much she loves her dad and how much he loves his dad and how their dads are dads. OH MY DAD.

Speaking of, Ben and Lindzi are going on an "adrenaline date," which gives Ben plen-ty of opportunity to say, "Oh my dad." Oh, and he takes it. They arrive at a gorge and Lindzi asks the Swiss guide, "We're repelling, not jumping right?" And the guy's basically, like, "Do whatever you want. Knock yourselves out." (SO full of farts, I bet.)
You know what repelling is like? IT'S LIKE A RELATIONSHIP, YOU STUPID IDIOTS. Lindzi says, "It’s a lot like stepping into a relationship. You have to be there for each other. Just like repelling off a cliff." Totally.

For the evening date, Ben is wearing a bow tie to make himself appear as virile, as sexually dynamic as possible in order to lure Lindzi into the fantasy suite. He hands her the card.
Lindzi: "This doesn't involve jumping off anything does it?" Heee hawwwww.
Ben: "No. No more adrenaline." Ahahaha. Nope. This sex is gonna be dull. Just ask my bow tie.

As they enter the fantasy suite, Lindzi says, “This is a fantasy of a suite.” Ur cute.

Courtney's date! "Today is all about Courtney," Ben says, momentarily forgetting that EVERY DAY is about Courtney.

I don't know. They're probably perfect for each other, right? They see a gnome (I think?) and start doing a thing that's to disgusting to describe on their way to get picnic shit. Then, at the picnic, Ben wants to play "Hey, cow," a game he and his sister invented that involves yelling "Hey, cow" at a cow to see if the cow will look at you. "Aw, what a fun game," says Courtney. Oh, sheesh. Then Ben decides he's going to press Courtney about what a bitch she is, which eventually turns into him saying they'll just "talk about it later." Ahaha. And, no shit, Courtney's, like, "Maybeeeee."

They actually DO talk about it later. And Courtney lies a bunch. ("What YOU see is the real me," she says, but there is no "real me" when you're a shapeshifting shitbeast.) Ben emerges from the conversation glad that she apologized and was so honest. If Courtney sez it, he believes it, and that seddles it.


Ashley Hebert and Ali Fedotowsky take Emily for flirty-fun makeover, and give her indispensable advice about being the Bachelorette. She should definitely listen to Ali, because things with Roberto worked out so well. Then, because they're such good girlfriends, they take Emily to see "Titanic." In 3-D. A movie about people being in love and then being separated by a disaster and an untimely death. Emily's, like, "I want to feel how she feels. I want that to happen in my life."


The producers haven't, that's for goddamn sure. I bet all of the destinations they visit during Emily's season will be cities on the NASCAR circuit. And on every date they'll watch "3: The Dale Earnhardt Story." In 3-D.

Oh, look who's back. KCB. When they showed a woman walking toward Ben's hotel room, I seriously thought it was Ashley Hebert based on the bowleggedness. Because she's a glutton for punishment — aw, and also not very smart — she wants Ben to explain why he sent her home. Since returning to Tennessee, she hasn't even picked up her baton because there's just no joy in her art anymore (I made that up). Ben explains that, basically, it wasn't her fault, he just hated her parents. "It’s nice to have answers," KCB says, "but it doesn’t make it any better." Well, of course it doesn't. Watching how awful this is for Ben makes it better for us, though. Meanwhile, Chris Harrison is in an adjacent hotel room naked from the waist down, his ear pressed to the wall, and a pair of someone's dirty underwear over his face (the leg holes can also act as horn holes).

KCB tells Ben that he shouldn't be with Courtney. I'm sure he'll take that to heart.

I'd accidentally read on a blog that Lindzi and Courtney were the final two, but even before that I knew Nicki was going home. In my heart. My heart blog. And, usually, the goodbye and limo interview are so satisfyingggggg. But in this situation, wouldn't we rather have seen what Lindzi and Courtney talked about when they were alone??

Another week in Switzerland! Keep an asprin between your buttcheeks, guys.

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