Thursday, March 1, 2012

The Hollywood Reporter reports that Ted Turner isn't depressed, just really, really sad

Posted By on Thu, Mar 1, 2012 at 3:50 PM

Ted Turner at the   Superheroes for Earth Eco Fundraiser at the Tabernacle in 2008
  • Joeff Davis/CL File
  • Ted Turner at the "Superheroes for Earth" Eco Fundraiser at the Tabernacle in 2008

On the cover of its most recent issue, The Hollywood Reporter asks, "Whatever happened to Ted Turner?"

The article proceeds to answer that question thusly: "He is busy being a shadow of his former self." He's not depressed, just kind of depressing. Eesh, and he's only worth $2 billion now.

Here are the first several words of some paragraphs in the piece, just so you can get an idea of what a bummer read this is, especially for fans of Turner's bombast and bison burgers ...

It’s a rare burst of energy from this man who once epitomized it. At age 73, there’s almost no trace of the frenetic, hyper-kinetic mogul once known as the “Mouth of the South” and “Captain Outrageous."

Turner goes to bed right after dinner most nights ...

After reading, Turner retires ...

He wakes around 4 a.m. ...

He says all this with little of the flamboyance that was once his mark ...

Turner sees a psychiatrist friend once a month, though he qualifies, "I’m not in therapy; it’s just somebody to talk to."

He may lack the ebullience of his earlier years ...

His energy may be flagging, but ...

He misses intimacy ...


JESUS. Oh, it gets worse.

After being left (for Jesus) by Jane Fonda, Turner says he cried for six months. And his daughter, Laura says he's taken to frequently discussing the details of his funeral. He either wants Willie Nelson sing "To All the Girls I've Loved Before," or he wants to be laid out in the wild to allow birds to pick the flesh from his carcass.

That last part's pretty awesome, but still, thanks for nothing, THR, for burning in effigy an Atlanta legend.

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