This week the producers made all the guys shout a Stevie Wonder jam and all the ladies vomit out a Whitney Houston song. Could they have picked anything harder to start with? I kinda feel bad for the kids and hope they all don't crash and burn. Here's a rundown of how your top 13 did, America.
Joshua Ledet - "Wish"
Here you got your "raised in a gospel choir but has some serious feminine mannerisms" (aka GREAT) singer. This was one of the most perfect performances I've ever seen on Idol, but I don't think the crowd was all that into it. The judges loved it.
Elise Testone - "Greatest Love of All" - then "I'm Your Baby Tonight"
I'll go ahead and say it - Elise is my fav favorite of all the contestants this year. Maybe it's because I have a girl crush on Adele and Elise is the only one who can nail any Adele song you put in front of her. The same is not true for Whitney Houston songs. I mean, I'm glad Mary J. and Jimmy Iovene (from Interscope Records) made her change her song choice, but I guess she could have at least pretended to be interested in signing this song. She sounded great, but the look on her face was "you guys can go fuck yourselves right now, this song sucks." I mean, that song DOES suck, but you gotta own it, child. The judges did not love it. Randy was all like, "this wasn't your greatest performance" and Elise was probably all like "yeah, assholes, because I'm not singing 'Greatest Love of All'." Get it? Greatest? Ah jeez.
Jermaine Jones - "Knock Me Off My Feet"
Jermaine is that guy on the show who loves and lives and breathes for his mama, and they are living on the edge of homelessness and all that sappy stuff. And of course he's this giant teddy bear with the deepest R&B voice on the planet. I don't see him as a solo artist, and feel like he's maybe better off as the fifth member of a Boyz II Men tribute band called Men II Grandpaz. I didn't love the performance and the judges didn't, either. And now I feel bad for him.
Erika van Pelt - "I Believe in You and Me"
Squeezing into her finest prom dress from 1998, Erika stepped on stage looking like a cougar in a piano bar. Has anyone checked her birth certificate? Under 30 my ass. Fine, she does have an interesting tone to her voice, but like J. Lo said, she needs to stop thinking and just sing already. Someone please slip this grandma a quaalude or five in her gin and tonic and watch her go nuts.
Colton Dixon - "Lately"
Colton is the heartthrob wannabe/Sum 41 lookalike guy of the season, who is actually super hot in a wannabe Sum 41 member kind of way. He's got a mohawk! His name is Colton! Daddies, watch out for your daughters. Well, that is if he makes it through to the next round after this horrific and boring and screechy performance. I mean, I kind of hope he does because I really like what he did in Hollywood week, and I want him to sing some Radiohead and sweep me off my feet again.
Shannon Magrane - "I Have Nothing"
Sixteen-year-old Amazon, daughter of a washed up baseball player Shannon Magrane has about as much personality as a washed up baseball player (unless you're comparing her to Kenny Powers) and the vocal ability of someone on the national anthem singing circuit. She butchered many a note and J. Lo started off with a, "Sweet baby..." HA! Steven Tyler used the words "crashed and burned." Ooh, that is a deep burn.
DeAndre Brackensick - "Master Blaster"
Flouncy-haired Justin Guarini redux took to the stage with a Reggae flair that no one ever likes on American Idol and twirled and swirled his way around his suuuper boring performance. Randy liked it and some how Steven Tyler made comparing DeAndre to Naima sound like a good thing. His hair is mesmerizing.
Skylar Laine - "Where Do Broken Hearts Go"
This season's country darling has been compared to Reba McIntyre since her first audition, but with good reason. I'm pretty sure there's only room for one redhead on the country scene, but ain't she so dern cute, y'all? Skylar came out pretty shaky, but she found Jesus somewhere in the middle of all that and made it work. And that's ME saying that, because y'all know I hate country music (except for Carrie Underwood - because she's uh-mazing). Also, her snakeskin-pattered pants gave her a pretty serious case of camel toe.
Heejun Han- "All in Love Is Fair"
There are two things that are true in this world. Fine, there are more than two things, but there are only two that are relevant to "American Idol." OK three, because Carrie Underwood is a goddess. #Truth #1 - Heejun is a Korean soul singer. #Truth #2 - Heejun should join the cast of "SNL" and play a Korean soul singer. His wit rivals that of ATL's Andisheh Nouraee.
Hollie Cavanaugh - "He Fills Me Up"
Somehow this tiny Texan, who has some weird Madonna accent (probably because one of her parents is Irish or something and she chose to learn that accent instead of a twang - smart), sings just like Celine Dion, and we all know there's only room for... OK none. There isn't even room for one Celine Dion, let alone many Celine Dions, to necessitate an entire rack. Wait, what?
Jeremy Rosado - "Ribbon in the Sky"
Jesus, what was with all the fucking ballads from the guys last night? Actually, there's only been two non-ballads and I found myself nodding off from sheer boredom.
Jessica Sanchez - "I Will Always Love You"
There it is. Someone HAD to do it, amirite? And holy mother can this child sing. I mean seriously, if I didn't know the original recording like the back of my hand, I'd call lipsynching shenanigans. Instead, I'm ugly crying all over my keyboard and my cat is trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me. Good job, kid.
Phillip Phillips - "Superstition"
The kid with the unimaginative and not-very-funny parents is our GA-grown contestant of the season. He looks like Chris Martin and sounds and acts like Dave Matthews and is the only person on the show who knows how to make every song sound like an improvisational Dave Matthews song. I mean, a Phillip Phillips song. Phillip Phillips. It's easy to say three times fast.
Jessica, Elise and Hollie are up first and I wonder which one is in danger of going home? Celine? Whitney? Chick in the hat? Yep, you guessed it. Shocker.
Colton, Jermain and Heejun were up next. Heejun isn't going home. Colton is too hot. Jermaine, I think you're in trouble my man, and I really hate saying that because I really like you as, like, a person. You actually need this show, and yeah, you're on the bottom. Aww, that makes me a sad panda.
Fuck. Here comes Lauren Alaina. Miss Georgia Peach Fuzz, runner up to Scotty "Big Balls" McCreary last year, is a generic country singer who won't ever make it onto the stage at Philips Arena unless she's singing the national anthem at the ACC Championship basketball tournament. Holy Christ, the song she's singing is called "Georgia Peaches." Someone shoot me.
So Shannon and Erika van Pelt are the next girls to get banished to the stools of shame, and the final two guys to follow are Jeremy and Joshua. Joshua is the only one that didn't deserve it, but here's that asshole Ryan telling Erika and Joshua that they're really not in the bottom. What a stinker you are Seacrest.
Mary J. came out and killed it, duurrrrr. When does she not kill it? That's like her job, to kill "it."
If I had to guess at who is going home, I'm going to say Jermaine, and I really hate saying that. I just don't think this is his venue. Oh, but look at who's wrong - this girl. Yeah, Shannon is safe because she's six feet tall and people are afraid of her. Between Elise and Jeremy, I'm going to guess Jeremy and it's probably because Steven Tyler already said he thinks it's Jeremy that's going home. And I'm right. Stay tuned til next week, y'all, where I predict Elise will suck again, Phillip Phillips will sing like Dave Matthews and Heejun will make me laugh.
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