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Tuesday, March 13, 2012

'The Bachelor' finale's M. Night Shyamalan super-surprise twist ending

JUST KIDDING ...

THE BACHELOR


Of course Courtney won, y'idiots. This season sucked so much dick, it was like ABC didn't even try to prevent US Weekly from forever telling us who was going to win, even though it was a thing we could have predicted roughly one episode into the season. If they didn't still air my favorite show of all time, America's Funniest Home Videos — literally keeping host and former mime Tom Bergeron off the streets — I'd say fuck ABC. But by saying that I would say it, I'm still kind of saying it, so good. I'll continue to play along by writing this recap. Mostly so I can make unfunny Matterhorn puns.

SO, LET'S GET DOWN TO THE HEART OF THE MATTERHORN.

Ben's in Switzerland still, and it's time for his WASP mother and V.C. Andrews novel sister to meet Lindzi and Courtney. Sister Julie looks like Ben wearing a Khloe Kardashian wig. Now, last time we met Julie I reallllly didn't like her, but this time I like her so much more because she hates Courtney so instantly! She recognizes it's a red flag that Courtney didn't get along with the other girls. And she thinks it's so gross that Courtney's a model. Mom, too. People who are professionally beautiful make them physically ill.

Lindzi gets to meet them first and, awwww, look, she's so nervous. Three clues:
— Talking about her grand horse entrance during the premier episode she says, "That was me! It was so cool." No. What's cool is telling people that the things you do are cool.
— During dinner she can't hold a utensil for the life of her. "I get nervous when I have to eat proper," she says. Normally, she just shovels food into her face with her hands.
— She has two gigantic stress pimples festering under her flesh. And a really dense layer of makeup.

Otherwise, Lindzi did good! Julia and Mom liked her! And they hate Courtney even more now! BUT NOT FOR LONG ...

Courtney clomps in on her cloven hooves and tells them how the other girls were just "really judgy" and how she tried, but then was like, "Why am I trying so hard?" In no time, Julia's like, "She's an amazing girl ... you can't judge a book by its cover." Oh, no. She's speaking in cliches now, too. Maybe Courtney possessed her and is speaking through her? Oh, and if Courtney's a book, she's the fucking Necronomicon. I hate Julia again.

Alright, so, now Courtney has Mom's and Sister's respective stamps of approval. Doesn't it just seem mean to take Lindzi on another date? Sure. She's always wanted to go skiing, but I'll bet that even more than that she's always wanted to not look like a dingle on National television. But, you know what skiing is a lot like? LIFE, ASSHOLES. "I think I can trust Ben," Lindzi says. "Both on the slopes and in life." During their night times, Lindzi tells Ben she loves him. Ben tells Lindzi, "That's good."

Sexybaby voice's turn to have a date. Courtney and Ben fly in a helicopter — sorry, helichopper — over the Matterhorn, and it was at this point that I got distracted Googling things because I didn't realize the Matterhorn was that tall or that helicopters were capable of flying that high. As a matter(horn) of fact, they are capable of doing that. (Like, what, did I think that helicopter was lying?)

At night, Ben visits Courtney in her room. And, look. She brought a gift because she's so thoughtful. "Is it a journal?" Ben asks. No, shithead, it's a photo album. "Where did you get these?" Ben asks. Where the fuck do you think she got them, moron?

Finally, it's almost over. Ben just has to pick out Courtney's ring and ruin Lindzi's life. Ring robot Neil Lane shows up with his suitcase. Ben answers the door. "Hello. I'm Neil Lane," Neil Lane says. Yeah. Pretty sure you guys have already met.

Both women put on their most romantic capes — so they're ready for romance in case any romance should happen — and prepare to meet Ben.

Aw. Lindzi's dress looks like a accident. And the eye makeup is even worse than usual. She takes Ben's rejection like a real champ until she says, "If things don't work out, call me?" Eesh. Ben nods in a way that suggests he thinks her suggestion is depressing, too.

As Courtney approaches on the helicopter, she seems confident she's about to get proposed to. "Good things happen to good people," she says, just as the helicopter bursts into flames (twist ending No. 1).

Blah, blah, Ben proposes, Courtney makes some nauseating squeaking sounds, and we all fill our cupped hands with vomit as Ben exclaims, "OH MY DAD." They deserve each other.

NOW IT'S TIME FOR "AFTER THE FINAL ROSE," ABC's sick way of dragging this shit out for just one more hour. My boyfriend says Courtney looks prettier than usual, like she "degreased" herself. Anyway, after they were done filming the season, things were hunky dory. Then the season started airing and Ben saw that Courtney is a pig from hell, and called off the engagement. Now it's decision time. Are they going to be together or not? Chris Harrison — who's hair is extra something tonight — pulls out the engagement ring, get's down on one knee, and proposes to Courtney himself. (Twist ending No. 2.) The two wed and Courtney becomes pregnant shortly after. See, but, for hellbeasts to successfully reproduce, one has to be a human being (like in Rosemary's Baby) otherwise the fertilized egg bursts into flames in utero incinerating the mother from inside out. And everyone lived happily ever after. The end.

May can't come slowly enough.

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