Friday, March 16, 2012

'American Idol' Recap: Jermaine Jones, breakin' the law

Posted By on Fri, Mar 16, 2012 at 1:21 PM

It wasnt me
  • It wasn't me
Controversy! Ryan Seacrest starts the show in a dimly lit auditorium and announced that "with the help of law enforcement" they were forced to give someone the boot. What, did some sheriff's kid make him watch "Idol" last week and this person's face flashed across the screen, and with a cheesy thriller movie effect, did it trigger some horrible flashback of blood spatter and butcher knives? Also, Will.I.Am is the celebrity coach this week.

Contestants perform songs from the year they were born - ranging from 1983 to 1995. This is where shit gets depressing. I know, I do it to myself every year and it just keeps getting worse.

Philip Phillips - 1990 - "Hard to Handle" by Black Crowes
Man, what a sob story to start off the show. Apparently Philip Phillips was the sickly kid with the dead and decaying bowel and almost died when he was a tot AND he had kidney stones removed last Thursday. I mean, I know he'll be great, but if that doesn't get him the sympathy vote, I don't know what will. So, obvs he nails it. I could tell he wasn't giving it 100 Dave Matthews percent, but he's great and most of America won't be able to tell.

Jessica Sanchez - 1995 - "Turn the Beat Around" by Gloria Estefan
I hate this song, but I love her pants! She looks and sounds so dragalicious, y'all! I hated it, but I'm sure America lurved it and her sparkly disco pants. Oh dang, Steven did NOT like this performance, saying she needs to stick to ballads. He DOES love her pants. JLo also loves her pants, but not her performance. Randy also didn't like her song choice (inorite?) He didn't mention her pants.

Heejun Han - 1989 - "Right Here Waiting" by Richard Marx
Heejun's parents reminisced on his childhood in their native Asian language. Heejun asked Will.I.Am for Fergie's digits. Love this kid! I also love Richard Marx. I think Heejun pushed this one a little too hard. Like, literally pushed the words out of his face with his lungs. It was so not natural. I'm starting to question his actual singing ability. Jimmy Fallon needs to go ahead and give this kid a job. Randy started his critique with "dude" AND he mentioned that he sounded out of breath the whole time. Nigel Lythgoe needs to go ahead and give me a job.

Elise Testone - 1983 - "Let's Stay Together" by Al Green
My favorite part of the whole night just happened. The producers just did a split screen of the POTUS and Elise singing this song in perfect harmony. Oh technology, you little shit, you. This performance was a gazillion times better than last week. Apparently Steven's aunt Sonia loves Elise's voice almost as much as Steven does.

DeAndre Brackensick - 1994 - "Endless Love" by Mariah Carey
Jimmy Iovene from Interscope Records made him sing this instead of "Can You Feel the Love Tonight" by Grandma Elton. It goes without mention that this is not a Mariah Carey original. This is garbage. Emotionless. At least it wasn't "The Sign" by Ace of Base.

Shannon Magrane - 1995 - "One Sweet Day" by Mariah Carey
UGH. Jimmy wanted Shannon to sing "Don't Speak" by No Doubt, but homegirl had never heard it. She's dead to me.

Colton Dixon - 1991 - "Broken Heart" by White Lion
So, Chris Daughtry apparently started twit-stalking Colton and DMed him and was all like, "hai, ur awesome. wanna have dinner?" I don't know whether to be totally creeped out or totally jealous. Anywho............... Oh, sorry, I got lost in his Rufio-meets-Stripe mohawk and kinda fell out there for a minute. The judges had a mixed bag of emotions about the song, but they all thought he was hot.

Erica Van Pelt - 1985 - "Heaven" by Bryan Adams
I totally saw Bryan Adams open for the Rolling Stones in 1995 and it was magical. This, however, was not. She put these crappy breaks in it and listened to Jimmy's stupid arrangement suggestions. Her voice is decent and all, but she's got to stop acting like a grandma.

Jermaine Jones - SNAP - he's the one wanted by the feds for what has to be a bloody murder (I realize y'all know this already) and they FUCKING FILMED THE NIGELS READING OFF HIS RAP SHEET. I can't watch this. I mean, it's such good tv, but I can't believe they fucking filmed this. I can't watch. He said he didn't want any of this to be brought up because it's in the past, HOWEVER, there's an outstanding warrant for his arrest (for giving the cops a fake name thrice), which means it's certainly in the present and the Nigels gave him the boot live on recorded TV. I can't even put words into sentences right now. The Gentle Giant was supposed to sing "Somewhere Out There" by America's favorite singing mouse, so they actually had the balls to roll his rehearsal audio while showing him leaving by police escort. DAAAAAAAMN. That's ice cold.

Skyler Laine - 1994 - "Love Sneakin Up On You" by Bonnie Raitt
While I really wish Skyler had taken Will.I.Am's suggestion of singing "Fantastic Voyage" by Coolio, it's kind of a no-brainer that she's sticking with Bonnie. I mean, it was OK. No personality. The ending was quite fantastic, and not just cuz it was the ending (har har).

Joshua Ledet - 1992 - "When a Man Loves a Woman" by Michael Bolton
No talent ass clown! Ten jinx! I think Joshua might be this year's sneak attack winner. He'll coast along under the radar until it's down the final three and there he'll be, in all of his gospel-singing glory. This one blew the judges out of their seats, y'all. It was srsly that good.

Hollie Cavanagh - 1993 - "The Power of Love" by Celine Dion
SHOCKER, she was perfect, but that's only because she already sounds exactly like fucking Celine Dion. I'm kind of looking forward to Beatles week to see WTF she's going to do.

The Results

Wait just a minute, there, asshole producers. You're not starting with a lame ass group performance?! THANK YOU! Instead, Tommy Hilfiger comes on and announces that he's the official style consultant on the show this season. Interesting. Is that why most of the girls are dressing like cougars? Ohhh, because he doesn't start until next week.

Joshua, Phillip Phillips, and Skyler are all in the top 10 and get to go on the super fun summer bus tour, while Elise is in the bottom three. Probably because she showed America that she really didn't give a fuck last week. Americans have memories, Elise.

Colton, Jessica, DeAndre, Hollie and Heejun are all safe and Shannon and Erica are in the bottom three. Wow, America really does hate people with girl parts these days. Shannon got booted and she's got to sing for her life, and I hope it's the National Anthem. It's not. It's something with major religious undertones in it and there's no way the judges are saving her. Aaaand they don't.

My predictions for next week - Heejun keeps charming the ladies, Colton keeps charming the ladies and DeAndre gets the boot.

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