Monday, April 2, 2012

Judy Tenuta loves snacks, and you, and makin' love

Posted By on Mon, Apr 2, 2012 at 3:16 PM

  • James Franklin
Learning to play the accordion is one way to get noticed when you're one of eight kids in an Italian/Polish Catholic family, so Judy Tenuta latched onto the instrument at an early age. The comedian made a name for herself in the '80s thanks to the squeezebox, a dippy stage persona, lots of scarves, and sing-songy pop culture satire. Known variously as "Aphrodite of the Accordion," "Love Goddess," "Multimedia Bondage Goddess" or simply "the most famous person who has ever lived," Tenuta is also an ordained minister who performs weddings at her stand-up shows. She appears at the Punchline April 12-14 to promote her love cult "Judyism" and her new book Full Frontal Tenudity, a "chicken soup for your crotch."

You're an ordained minister?
Yes! I make it part of my show that I perform a wedding ceremony for anybody who wants to take or renew their vows during my show. I've had guys ask the club owner "Can I talk to Judy? I wanna propose to my girlfriend." So I've had situations that are really sweet like that, and other times I've just married total strangers! I've always thought everyone has the right to be miserable and married.

Do you have any advice for a long and happy marriage?
You have to enjoy certain things together. I don't mean everything! The biggest thing is, if you have a fight you have to talk about it. When you lose communication with each other, that's the first step to breaking the relationship. You have to keep the communication going somehow. And yeah, go to bed angry! No, don't go to bed angry. But yeah, with guys... they do need time in their cave to pout, that's what I've noticed.

What do you think about all these conservative male politicians who have such strong opinions about women's reproductive rights these days?
First of all I'd like to say, "Excuse me," to Rick Santorum and all these conservative pigs trying to make laws over women. The only time you are allowed to tell a woman what to do with her eggs is when you are ordering the grand slam breakfast at Denny's! It is none of the government's business. It's like they have no conscience about the planet. Let's think about the planet. Overpopulation. Not being able to take care of the poor and hungry, because there's too many mouths to feed. I mean even Catholics are taking birth control now. For these idiots to say the only reason you should be poppin' birth control pills is if you got acne, or if your uterus is outta whack ... . Based on their logic, the only one who's qualified to have birth control is Snooki! How about starting with healthcare, unemployment, the environment?

You have a new book out: Full Frontal Tenudity. What's the pitch?
Full Frontal Tenudity is my book. It's very colorful. I did include many pictures because I wanted to illustrate the jokes. I have a thing about Hollywood to English. There's a lot of things people say in Hollywood that they really don't mean. Things like "Oh, I would love to do something with you, but my plate is so full right now!" They're trying to make themselves seem important, meanwhile they're living in a dumpster. "We have a new house, a new boat!" Meanwhile they're really filing for bankruptcy. They just have to put on the trappings of wealth.

It's like three different books in there. I give love advice. I also have recipes. It's sort of like my special snacks. Things that you might already have in your house. Here's one, let me read it to you. "To the trailer trash man boy, don your daisy dukes shorts. Do the two step while making him eat spam and eggs off your legs! Just like a younger, hotter Martha Stewart in prison with a sassy cellmate like Rachel Reigh. That would make you a nearly coherent Jessica Simpson!"

You say you're scandal-free, but do you have any vices? Drinking, smoking, junk food? Any guilty pleasures?
I have to have my candy every day; I love candy. I love black licorice. And also coffee. Is that a vice? And I'm a big snacker. That's why I came out with these sassy snacks. But after all, I'm gonna be in Hotlanta, where they have the Coca Cola museum! Gonna be a lot of snacks there!

What do you have in store for your show at the Punchline?
Well there will be a marriage, later in the show. Obviously I'm going to have to go stud hunting. I always turn it into a big fat party! It will be a celebration in Hotlanta.

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