Friday, April 13, 2012

'American Idol' Recap: The most WTF episode yet!

Posted By on Fri, Apr 13, 2012 at 11:55 AM

WTF just happened?
  • Fox
  • WTF just happened?
This week the top 7 kiddos perform songs from 2010 through today. I have to say, there's not a person in this group that doesn't deserve to be here, and that's, like, a first. OK, I guess Hollie could go. Akon is the special mentor this week. (He ended up being the worst one. He didn't have more than two words to say at a clip.)

Skylar Laine - "Didn't You Know How Much I Loved You" by Kellie Pickler
Wow, that chick still makes music? I thought she was too busy getting boob jobs and packing on pounds. Obvi, I don't know this song from Adam, but I gotta say, Skylar really did a spectacular job. I almost feel like I'm cheating on my love for rock music by admitting that.

Colton Dixon - "Love the Way You Lie" by Skylar Grey
Ah jeez, Ima bout to fall in lurve again, aren't I? He's playing the piano again. His frosted-tip mohawk is glistening behind the white baby grand. He is singing at my SOUL, people. Ugh, lawd, I just can't stand what this boy does to me when he looks at me through my TV. Yeah, it was good.

Duet time! I missed the memo that this was happening. So Phillip Phillips and Elise Testone are singing "Somebody I Used to Know" by Gotye. I do not like this song. As my friend James put it, "it's like the Police, ya know, 'SOS.'" Well, I can't stand the Police, so I guess that explains it. If I'm judging just based on the singing, and I guess I should, Elise fucking killed it. Phillip was mostly OK. He was kind of meh.

Jessica Sanchez - "Stuttering" by Jazmine Sullivan
Wow, these kids are educating me on songs tonight. Jessica could sing the phone book, which I think would be a fun theme for next week. She will probably win this whole piece and go on to be the next Kelly Clarkson, minus the extra pounds. She sounds a lot like Beyoncé in this one, if Beyoncé could sing and hold a note, that is.

Joshua Ledet - "Runaway Baby" by Bruno Mars
Fun!! Joshua did a really great job with this one, but everyone else has done a ballad-ish and I'm not sure that the audience will necessarily connect.

Duet time! Colton and Skylar are singing "Don't You Want to Stay" by Jason Aldean and Kelly Clarkson. I'm bored. So is Colton.

Hollie McCracken - "Perfect" by Pink
No, I know that's not her last name, but I really don't feel like remembering it because she's not going to last, so why try to remember? I did just learn that the real title of this song is "Fucking Perfect," which makes me love it even more. Wow, the judges HATED it, and the crowd didn't even boo, which is weeeeeird. I'm guessing she's next to go.

Phillip Phillips - "Give a Little More" by Maroon 5
I just now learned where Leesburg, Ga., is. It's closer to LaGrange, I guess? P.S., Adam Levine is HAWT. P.P.S., Phillip Phillips made sweet sweet love to this song. He's totes back from boringsville. Um, what? JLo and Randy slammed it. Not cool, you guys. I really don't want to put you two on my shit list.

Trio time! Jessica, Hollie, and Joshua are signing "Stronger" by Kelly Clarkson. Joshua came out super strong, Jessica and Hollie did not do that. And then when the chorus came in, I could only hear Jessica. This is a hot mess of a performance.

Elise Testone - "You and I" by Lady Gaga
I loooooooove this song!!!! Maybe y'all remember Gaga unleashing this song on "AI" last year? This is kind of the perfect song for Elise and it makes me happy for her that she chose this. Yeah, she sang the shit out of it.

The Results

Gawd, the filler they come up with for this show is horrible. James Durbin found some extra tats and a lot of bleach. It does not suit him. He still sounds like he's straight out of the 80s, and who is writing his lyrics? Awful. Jennifer Hudson looks amazing, but we already knew that from the thousands of Weight Watchers commercials she's on. Too bad her voice doesn't sound as good as she looks.

So, they split the kids up into two groups, minus Skylar. One group is Hollie, Colton, and Phillip Phillips, while Joshua, Elise, and Jessica make up the other group. Clearly the judges tried to tell America to give Hollie the boot, but Colton and Phillip Phillips?!? Seacrest tells Skylar she's safe and then tells her to pick the group she thinks is also safe. Ouch! HOLY BALLS, he put her with group Hollie!!!! That means that Joshua, Elise, and mother fucking Jessica are in the bottom. Daaaaang. Joshua is safe! It's totes Elise. HOLY SHIT, AMERICA, Jessica Sanchez is voted out, y'all! So she starts singing one of her not good songs, and JLo runs up on stage, with other two judges in tow, and grabs the mic from Jessica and proclaims that, uh duh, they are saving her. That's the only save the judges have, so it's balls to the wall from here on out. Wow. WOW. OK, maybe now Hollie can go.

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