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Friday, April 20, 2012

'American Idol' Recap: Now with a blingee!

emo blingee
  • emo blingee
This week, the top seven perform No. 1 hits from 2000 to now, plus an old-school soul song after a few (actually) heartfelt words about Dick Clark's passing from Ryan Seacrest. Um, so I guess they picked Soul Train week well before Dick Clark died and Don Cornelius' son Tony is in the crowd on his behalf. Someone just got overshadowed. PS, what's with dead dance party TV hosts this week? Moving on.

Hollie McCracken - "Rolling in the Deep" by Adele
Fucking great, we're starting off the show with a great song by a not-so-great contestant. Mini Celine Dion managed to not find any feeling yet again, even though NappyTabs (holla, SYTYCD!) was trying to tell her how to move with some sort of motion. The judges loved it, obvs (because I hate her). Well, Randy wasn't 100 percent, but he said he felt her feeling. Maybe she lucked out by being first. My fiance just asked me if she'll get lots of votes because she sang a popular song, even though he didn't like it (sometimes he has good musical taste). I gave him the JESSICA SANCHEZ example from last week.

Colton Dixon - "Bad Romance" by Lady Gaga
ZOMG this song rocks my face off (right, everyone who's reading this??) and I hope he nails it. Um. *Cough*. Well, he's got that young Asian girl electric guitar phenom up there, so that's a plus I guess. No. This is not it for me.

Elise Testosterone - "No One" by Alicia Keys
Aww, I love this song. I thought about using this as my first dance at my wedding, but it lost to a song you've never heard of. She looks like a tangerine ball of chiffon and the wind tunnel fan is NOT helping me take her seriously. This might be the final nail in Elise's coffin.

Phillip Phillips - "You Got It Bad" by Usher
MMMmmmm, what a sexy song for such a sexy singer. I'm probably going to hell for saying that considering I don't even know if he's legal yet. Aww, he even looks uncomfortable singing such an f-me song, but hell, he's all acoustic with his guitar and bongo guy and sex, I mean sax, lady and it's delicious. I think JLo felt a little uncomfortable at the end of that one, too.

Jessica Sanchez - "Falling" by Alicia Keys
What's with Alicia Keys tonight? OK, go ahead and hate me, but I wasn't feeling this at all. It's like she's a robot. A really convincingly real robot, like a Fembot, but a robot nonetheless.

Skylar Laine - "Born This Way" by Lady Gaga
What's with Gaga tonight? As per the usual, I'm not cray about the beginning of this one. Aaaaaand, I'm not cray about the rest of it, either. I'm pretty sure she could sell a gazillion records of this song, but I'm not buying it. JLo's buying it, though.

Joshua Ledet - "I Believe" by Fantasia
I've never heard this song for a reason. I didn't watch the season of "AI" starring Fantasia because I knew the first time she opened her mouth that she was going to win. I don't know any of her songs, and now I know why. Good night this is cheesy. I'm pretty sure this was the first song she recorded after she won, and those are always terrible. I can't get passed the lyrics on this one. Sorry, Joshua, I couldn't hear you at all. The judges gave a standing ovation, though. Meh.

Hollie McCracken - "Son of a Preacher Man" by Dusty Springfield
Mother FUCKER. Again, a sub-par vocalist singing what might possibly be the best soul song ever recorded. Jesus, she shouldn't be allowed to sing most things and I really wish there was a rule about that.

Colton Dixon - "September" by Earth, Wind and Fire
So, this is one of my ex's personal theme songs (for a really weird reason that doesn't really matter) and Colton is back on the piano singing his lil emo heart out AT MY SOUL. Fucking Steven Tyler didn't like it. And neither did JLo. Aaaand neither did Randy. Fuck all y'all. It was amazing.

Elise Testosterone - "Let's Get it On" by Marvin Gaye

Phillip Phillips - "In the Midnight Hour" by Wilson Pickett
This song it totes perfect for my Phillip Phillips. Heh, it kind of seems like he's finally realizing what these songs are about (sex) when he starts singing them and there's this flash of innocence leaving his eyes every repetition of every chorus, but whatever, he fucking nailed it.

Jessica Sanchez - "Try a Little Tenderness" by Otis Redding
Ok, no, this is the best soul song ever recorded, so homegirl better do this one justice. I have faith. I'm not crazy about the band's direction on this, but Jesus H. Christ, Jessica just wailed to the point of raising Don Cornelius from his grave just so he could put Jessica on his show. Goosebumps.

Skylar Laine - "Heard It Through the Grapevine"
She's gotten too twangy for me. I've over liking her. I knew it was fleeting anyway, and I hope she did, too.

Joshua Ledet - "A Change is Gonna Come" by Sam Cooke
Here it comes. Good lord almighty, this is what redemption sound like. I've decided that he's not going to win, but I do love hearing him sing the tar out of some gospel-y classics. That's another standing O from the judges. This time it was well deserved.

The Results

Mkay, Joshua and Hollie are up first. Joshua is safe (duh) and Hollie is not (w00t). Skylar and Elise get up next and Elise should have just known to go straight to the stools of shame and Skylar is safe (duh). Phillip Phillips, Colton and Jessica got up and I think they can all sit back down. Ruh roh, I think Colton is in the bottom, and I'm right (duh). Elise should go home, anyway, so the tweens (and, um, thirty-somethings) should be OK with Colton facing the ax. Oh but wait, Elise is safe. That's really not good for us girls (unless America finally wised up and gave Hollie the boot). Oh. My. God. Colton's going home. Single tear. Whoa, hold the phone here. He's going on out a god rock song? Really?! Ugh, now I feel kind of dirty and I don't feel as sad about him leaving. I wish I never saw that.

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