Thursday, May 24, 2012

'American Idol' Recap: Winner winner Phillip Phillips!

Posted By on Thu, May 24, 2012 at 12:17 PM

Golden Boy of Leesburg, GA
  • Golden Boy of Leesburg, Ga.
After 123 weeks, the final two are finally competing for your votes to be the next great record label bitch pop star.

There are so many things to say here, but here are the main two things: I wholeheartedly believe that the correct two people are competing to be your idol - Jessica Sanchez and Philip Phillips; the next thing is that this is the second year in a row that Georgia is REPRESENTIN' in the finals, son! Fuck yeah. P.S. My apologies for not keeping you abreast of the weekly drama for the past few weeks. I was preoccupied with getting married and stuffs.

First song by both singers was chosen by "AI" producer extraordinaire Simon Fuller. I mean, he's kind of in charge, so I trust he really knows what he's talking about. I hope.

Jessica - "I Have Nothing" by Whitney Houston
No duh, Simon. Isn't this Jessica's 57th Whitney song from this season? Obvi, she nailed the notes, but there was no emotion behind those eyes and I think this competition is going to come down to pure emotion.

Phillip Philips - "Stand By Me" by Ben E. King
OMG this is totes what my dad and I danced to at my wedding that I referred to about 10 seconds ago. Collective AWWWWW. This is fucking beautiful, you guys. If this guy was playing in the subway, I'd give him a dollar and I never do that. Phillip Phillips slowed the song down and mellowed it out like Dave Matthews would. Phillip Phillips just won Round One. So JLo just said that people have to vote for the singer that made them feel something. I kinda just said that. Pft and then Randy said Jessica won Round One. Liar.

Celebrity song by Jason Derulo. Has anyone notice how much this person resembles R. Kelly?

Round Two - revisiting songs the contestants have already sung

Jessica - "The Prayer" by I don't know
This is one of the worst songs I've ever heard. It's boring. It's slow. I'm tired and bored and it's still going on. O.I.C. - there's a big ol' note there in the middle that people would like. Yeah, that's the ticket. Yeah. People like it when I sing big notes, see. Yeah.

Phillip Phillips - "Movin' Out" by Billy Joel
SQUEEEEEEEEE. It's dirty and evil and Bill Joel and sexy and acoustic (for the most part) and angry and mmmmmmm. I can't even make words right now. Here's a full review of how I really feel about this song (no, like actually). Phillip Phillips just won Round Two and I think that makes him the actual winner, right? Huh? No, there's still that voting thing? Fine. JESUS H. CHRIST Steven Tyler just said Jessica won, and then Randy opened his pie hole and said it was a tie, and then JLo went with the sympathy vote (at this point) and said Phillip Phillips won. #Whatacrock.

Round Three - They have to sing the songs that the record label execs had written by the newest crop of songwriters fresh outta fifth grade.

Jessica - "Change Nothing" by Jessica Sanchez
This sounds like a Beyonce slow jam. And that is a terrible thing. Beyonce is actually a terrible singer; she just has good beats. Also, I can't understand a fucking word she's saying. I am NOT looking forward to hearing that every 45 minutes on Q100 and in Old Navy. Oh wait, I can totally avoid both of those things. So, it's finally over and Randy said he hated the song itself. #Truth. He also said - and wait for it - "you have that Beyonce sort of swag." I JUST SAID THAT and I also said it was a terrible thing. JLo also said the song was stupid. And then Steven also said the song sucked. Wow, those fifth graders are probably actually crying in their Cheerios. Aww, Jessica just learned that the recording industry isn't fair and that she won't get to sing what she actually wanted to sing. She should hang out with Pink.

Phillip Phillips - "Home" by Phillip Phillips
The beat is sort of bluegrassy. The words are recognizable. It's really quite Mumford and Sons-y-ish and it's about him being in love and taking his lady away from where she's from and then telling her not to worry because he's "going to make this place [her] home." AWWWWWW. I love it! Hooray fifth graders! Oh and now there's a drumline! It's the whitest drumline I've ever seen, but it's there nonetheless. Aww, I want him to make that place my home. AH HA! The judges gave him a standing ovation. "Everything about that was perfect," barked R.Dog. "It was really cool like MUMFORD AND SONS," he also said, which is what I said. JLo said she'd never heard anything like that and there's nothing like that on the radio, which is a lie because Mumford and Sons exist, and Steven Tyler said, "You just made the world your home, my friend." Um, whatevs.

The Results

I hope with every fiber of my being that just because the executive producers needed an ethnic female to win instead of a white dude and therefore planted words in the judges' mouths that America picked the better artist. I'm not getting my hopes up, of course, because America doesn't typically make the right choice, like, ever, but we'll see. I'm also looking forward to the celebrity duets.

First up, Phillip Phillips gets to sing with John FREAKING FOGERTY. How excited is this kid right now? PS. Ladies, I learned he's 21. Fireball shots for all! They're singing "Have You Ever Seen the Rain" and it's midly OK. They look like they're having a ton of fun, but their voices don't actually go together. It's pretty cool nonetheless. Oh, it's a medley, but of complete songs. "Bad Moon Rising" is next. Repeat what I just said. If "Proud Mary" is next, that would be pretty neat and also the longest duet performance ever. It kinda sounds like they're saying, "there's a bathroom on the right." It's over now.

Joshua Ledet is now singing "Take Me to the Pilot" by Grandma Elton. Yeah, that makes sense. It's gospelly enough. Oh and derrrr, Fantasia comes out to sing with him, and holy shit balls she looks bloa-ho-ted. Fat, y'all. She gained some lbs. I guess that's what happens when you learn to read? ZING! Her skin-tight sequined catsuit isn't helping her cause. They must not have provided her with a mirror in her dressing room.

Chaka Khan and Fantasia are clearly sharing the same dressing room. I can see your Spanx lines, Chaka.

Ooooh, super megastage production for Rihanna! Here's another one who typically can't sing well (at least not live) but who has great jams. After tonight I think people can get over their fear that Ri-Ri has an eating disorder. Her thighs don't lie. She does look great, though.

Heck yes! Skylar Laine is duetting with Ms. Reba, y'all. Mother and child reunion for reals! I'll say it right now - Skylar Laine will be next year's breakthrough artist at the CMAs. Wanna make that bet with me?

Jessica Sanchez was asked to sing "I Will Always Love You" again. Yeah, I get that. I didn't fast forward through it. This time it wasn't nearly as good, and plus Whitney is a little more dead now than she was when Jessica first performed this, so maybe I just don't care as much. Again, she made me feel nothing. That's her real talent.

Are the guys really doing a horrible Neil Diamond medley? And by horrible, I mean there's no Neil Diamond up there to make it awesome. Heeeeey there, Colton. Yes, I will "play it now." Oh, THERE HE IS. He is so old and I don't care. Have I ever told you guys that Mr. Diamond performed at my college graduation? No, I'm totes not kidding. That was NYU's gift to the class of 2002. A job would have been nice, but who else can say Neil fucking Diamond played at their graduation? Yeah no one. (Wednesday, June 6 at Philips Arena, y'all!)

Holy shit. The contestants are singing the phone book. This is AWESOME.

JLo sings now. The world pays attention. To her sequined harem-pant jumper. Advertisement for adult diapers.

Ace Young and Diana DeGarmo (holla, Snellville!) - "American Idol" alums-turned-luvas - are on stage and, oh lemme guess, he's popping the question. GET ON YOUR KNEE YOU FOOL. This is the worst proposal ever. And it's sponsored by a jeweler. How romantic.

Holly sings. Jordin Sparks is there, too.

BeeGees tribute happening.

Jessica Sanchez and Jennifer Holliday are singing that "you're gonna love me" song, whatever it's called. This lady's mouth is insane. Jessica is actually, finally, I bet she wins. They wouldn't have opened the show with Phillip Phillips' OK duet and closed with this orgasmic, mind-erasingly stellar performance if Jessica was going to lose. Or maybe they WOULD. OK, I have to know.

Aerosmith is playing and there are lots of laser lights.

What the hell is this duet between Jessica and Phillip Phillips? Oh, it's "Love Lifts Us Up Where We Belong," aka the most awkward duet this show has ever seen.

HERE WE GO, FOLKS. 132 million votes later (that is a factual number spoken by a guy in a trust-worthy suit), your American Idol. Is. Going to be. PHILLIP PHILLIPS! OMG I PROBABLY NEED TO CALL AN AMBULANCE FOR MY MOM. America got it right for the first time in a long fucking time. Ooooh, there's a trophy now? Awesome! Now he gets to sing his love song again. *Swoon.* "Home" is officially my new favorite song, and it's really going to pain me to have to wait four months to hear it on the radio (thanks, YouTube). Awww, he's crying and now so am I! And so is my mom and probably my aunt. He can't even make sounds anymore and so he took off his guitar to go hug his momma. THE TEARS that are STREAMING down my face right now. Oh man, I can't wait to see what this kid does.

Congratulations, America. You got it right.

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