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Friday, March 15, 2013

'American Idol' recap: Nicki Minaj hates her job

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Hello again, guys! The judges and 'Merica have whittled away this year's "American Idol" contenders down to 10, and this is always where the fun stuff happens, right? Wrong.

Y'all missed out on the Zoanette Show and the Charlie Debacle, and while they were both headed for certain Sanjaya fame, they both got axed last week. Sorry. We also don't have anyone from Georgia repping us this year, but we've got a South Carolinians and three Tennesseeans to root for. That's close enough, right?

There are three important things to know about this season:

1. It's diverse, y'all. We're not going to have another white boy winner, because let's face it, Paul Jolley ain't winning, and he's the only white boy in the bunch.

2. There are too many judges. I tune out after Nicki Minaj, and I only pay attention to her because she's fucking crazy.

3. Nicki hates this job. She makes the most horrific faces - Nicki's bored, Nicki thinks you're crazy, Nicki hates life right now. There should be a Nicki face drinking game. And by should, I mean I'm playing it right now.

This week's show started out with controversy of the highest caliber. Where the hell is Nicki? Lord, please don't tell me she decided to call it quits now. Apparently she's "stuck in traffic."

This week's challenge is to sing songs that former "AI" winners sang while they were contestants. The first person up is undoubtedly the most winnable guy of the group, Curtis Finch Jr. He's got this old soul - gospel - come to Jesus way about him that makes everyone in the crowd pull their face like they're listening to Otis Redding belt out "Try a Little Tenderness" live from Beale Street. Well, Jimmy Iovine decided to tell Curtis to not do that at all, which is probably Fox's way of making sure a black man won't win this year (again), and he goes with singing a Fantasia song. Mistake No. 1 - singing a Fantasia song. That's it. That's all the mistakes one needs to fail. If Nicki were there, she'd tell Curtis how terrible it was.

One of the Tennessees is up next, Janelle. She's country, which makes me not care. Finally Nicki is back, though.

Devin's up next, and he's Hispanic, y'all! Instead of wowing us with his bilingualism, however, he went with a Carrie Underwood song, "My Temporary Home." The performance, like the song, was nondescript. Nicki loved it, though, because she's crazy. P.S. Devin is totally lost-at-birth with one of my ex-boyfriends, which is SO.WEIRD.

Angie Miller - now here's a star. Plus, her makeup is perfection. She's singing Celine Dion's "I Surrender" and she's missing some notes, but it was OK. And her makeup is still divine.

Paul Jolley, Tennesseean No. 2, is another country person. YAWN, y'all.

Candice Glover, our South Carolinian, chose to sing "I (I Who Have Nothing)" by Shirley Bassey, which is a stunningly haunting song and Candice totally nailed it. I think I might have goose bumps for a week. Nicki's throwing up gang signs, there's a massive standing O, her family is crying ... perfection.

Lazaro, dear, sweet Lazaro. Lazaro has a stutter that will probably go down in the history books as one of the worst ever recorded, but he can really sing amazingly if he's got the right song. It's amazing, really. He chooses to sing Kelly Clarkson's "Breakaway." This is terrible. It was in the wrong key for his voice, and he's rushing through the music. Aw jeez, Keith had to go and ask him a question about why he sang the song and, rule No. 1 with live TV, don't ask folks with a stutter a question. This hurts my heart.

Kree (it's a name) Harrison is our third and final Tennessean and she's singing "Crying" by Roy Orbison, because all Tennesseans are country singers. Oh, hey, sorry. I totally just fell asleep. I just woke up because Nicki is comparing this performance to eating waffles alone. Apparently that's a good thing.

Burnell Taylor gesticulated his way through Ruben Studdard's something or other. It was terrible, but now I feel like a perfectly conducted orchestra.

Amber Holcomb chose to sing Kelly Clarkson's "A Moment Like This," which is my least favorite brunette Kelly song. So, Amber kinda sounds like Beyonce, which is never a positive thing for me. She rushed the whole thing and was flat the whole time. Nicki said it was the best performance of the night, which confirms to me that she really is just fucking with all of us.

THE RESULTS

Normally I would try to fast-forward through this entire show, but BON JOVI AND SQUEEEEEEEE PHILLIP PHILLIPS are performing. God, let them be performing together. We've started out with results pretty early and there's some super-fun statistics thrown in there, which I'm totally geeking out over. I am a marketing person, after all. Anyway, Candice ended up in the top three, duh. Then my world is kind of rocked because the mayor of some small town in Texas came and gave Kree a key to the city, because I guess she grew up there. But I thought she was from Tennessee? Yes, the "AI" website says she's from Nashville. "Hey, here's a key to the city you don't claim." That's not awkward. Turns out Kree was in the top three, also. Meh. Bon Jovi then sang their new song "Because We Can," which is proof of why bands who rose to fame nearly 30 years ago should never, ever write or perform new songs.

Wait, now they're bringing back two folks who were previously canned to come back and sing for their lives, apparently because AT&T paid for an 11-person bus instead of the usual 10. So we get Charlie. Singing an original song. He's kind of like a higher-pitched Ben Folds, but much more awkward. Good god, I hope he doesn't make it. This is painful. Next up is Aubrey Cleland, who has Halle Berry's beauty mixed with Rihanna's giant forehead. She's actually pretty good, but there's nothing super-special about her voice. If she's not the winner of this odd little battle, then America really does have a sick sense of humor.

EEEEK, now Phillip Phillips is performing his new hit song. I am always OK with that. P.S. He'll be in the Atlanta area on March 24 at KSU Stadium, y'all. I'll see you in the front row. Seriously, does anyone have an extra ticket for me and maybe my mom? Kthx.

Angie Miller is the third person to fill out the top three for the night. Holler, ladies! In fourth place with the heart-string vote is Lazaro, then Amber, Janelle, Burnell, then Paul Jolley, leaving Devin and Curtis in the bottom. Nicki is putting America on blast for putting Curtis in the bottom, even though she agreed his performance was indeed his worst, saying if he goes home then so is she. Please don't let that happen. Please? Oh right, the judges can still save someone, but holy shit, it's Curtis. Yes, Ryan Seacrest, Curtis needs to bring back the Curtis we all know and love, so he chose "I Believe I Can Fly" and he is not.bringing.it, you guys. Did he totally check out or something? I am so disappointed. Nicki's face is telling me that she's also got a foot out the door. No save. Nicki wants to vomit-punch Randy Jackson right now. God, what a downer of a show. I honestly believe that because Curtis is gone, there is no chance for a dude to win this year. Well played, Fox.

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