What I want to say is that hypothermia-stricken Tierra acted like a regular Medal of Valor recipient compared to the way Brooks acted when he broke his finger during dodgeball times.
So, c'man. Did they take him away in an ambulance? Why was he on oxygen? He PASSED OUT when they reset the bone? I'll break and reset one of my own bones right now. His liver is made of so many lilies. I also liked that he basically held his splinted finger up in front of his face for the rest of the episode. 6/13. NEVER FORGET.
Desiree put on her serious face and said that what had happened was "terrible." Really. Just so terrible. Luckily, he's got a whole other fist fulla fingers for diddling you. She loves making out, which she has a tendency to call "talking."
So, yeah, dodge ball group date. Nine of the guys meet up with a team from the National Dodgeball League, which Michael G. - who's getting an awful lot of camera time these days - likens it to the A-Team. I didn't see the Liam Neeson remake, but I guess it was about dodgeball.
Blah, blah, they split into teams and play against each other, Brooks hurts himself, and then Desiree lets EVERYONE hang around for the second half of the date, even though that privilege was reserved for the winners of the game and our society will ultimately suffer because we're so goddamn quick to reward underperformance and underachievement. It was moderately fun to watch them hurt each other.
During the even part of the date, a prominent-jawed person named Brad pulled Des aside to tell her a secret. YOU'RE GAY? No? He has a son named Maddex, which is how it was spelled in closed captions. Aw, how sweet. Cool name. But that's not all he has to say ... YOU'RE GAY? Nope. He was arrested for domestic violence by his child's alcoholic mother. The charges were dropped, thankfully. Or as Brad said it, "Thankfulleeeeyah." He whines his thanks.
Chris, who seems normal, gets the date rose (EVEN THOUGH HE WAS ON THE LOSING TEAM) because Des says she appreciated that when she looked at him throughout the day he would smile. Also, blink. He has very, VERY good vital signs. But I'm worried about Kate Earl! She needs to take those bedroom eyes back into the bedroom for a long nap. But Desiree and Chris didn't mind because they were putting spit in each others mouths the entire time she was performing.
I wonder if Des was embarrassed when Brian's girlfriend Stephanie showed up. No, not because he wasn't there for "the right reasons." Because Desiree wasn't wearing any pants.
Michael G.'s superpower is that his hair can detect turmoil? Did you see how excited it was when Steph arrived?? It's like a mood ring.
You know, I'm willing to go along with a lot of the shit this show shovels directly into our living rooms, but I'm not buying Stephanie. Or her son Donovan. Like, one of the camera guys was wearing this and she just blurted it out. Brian figures if this lady is gonna trot in here in her too-high shoes like a pig balancing on its tiny hooves, he'll join the fun, too. He says he and Stephanie had a "rocky relationship." By which he means she "threw rocks at his face." Why not.
After the shakeup, Michael G. retires to the kitchen to open pickle jars with his shirt off and Brandon retires to the deepest, darkest catacombs of his brain, and taps the shoulder of his peacefully sleeping inner-child, who promptly wakes up and starts throwing a fucking tantrum. So, this seems like a good time to pull Des aside for a chat. "DON'T LEAVE ME DAD I MEAN DES."
Then she goes on a date with Kasey and it's fucking awful. Sorry. #fuckingawful.
I really loved the second group date. Disney knows you. And Disney doesn't fucking trust you. Sure, they could show commercials for their upcoming release The Lone Ranger during the Bachelorette, but what are you going to do? You're going to fast forward over them. They're not stupid. YOU'RE stupid if you think you're going to get away with not knowing what an action packed must-see the new Armie Hammer-Johnny Depp vehicle is going to be.
Desiree wears a dress that "looks like it's from the 1900s" and the guys wear cowboyish stuff and do a little stunt training with Hollywood's finest. RICHARD GERE? No. Hollywoods finest stuntmen. Juan Pablo, the best person on this show now or ever, does a genuinely good job and is adorable and wins a movie date with Des. GUESS WHICH MOVIE. Aw. Juan Pablo's mostly excited about the "popcorns and stuff." They give the movie four thumbs and one boner up as they suck face.
The rest of the episode: lots of crying. James (I think?) is sad because his dad is sick, and after a little moaning is rewarded with the pancreatitis rose.
But Brandon really goes for it. Even says he's not going to cry while he's crying. He's just SO in love with this woman he met a few days ago and he's CONSUMED by it. He confesses he's falling in love with her.
Luckily, because shitheel Ben is still around for everyone to hate, the producers let her send Brandon home where he can undergo the intense therapy he so badly requires.
He doesn't take being sent home well. "I pretty much just got my heart smashed by a hammer," he says.
MORE LIKE AN ARMIE HAMMER! MAKE SURE TO GO SEE THE LONE RANGER IN THEATERS JULY 3, FOLKS!
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