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Wednesday, June 26, 2013

'The Bachelorette' Ep. 5: Hot tub 'I'm having a terrible time' machine

Seventy-five percent of this season is this.
  • ABC
  • Seventy-five percent of this season is this.
The only reason I watch the Bachelorette is that I'm hoping that someday someone will finally come to their senses and bring back Bentley, even for an episode. If you're not familiar, Bentley was a contestant on Ashley Hebert's season who said something like he would rather swim in an ocean of his own urine than kiss Ashley because he thought she was that disgusting. What he actually said might have been even worse. He left the program, but not before being flown to China on ABC's dime to take a hammer to Ashley's heart one last time, then roam around the country as a sex tourist.

Basically, he's the only convicted person who's ever been on the show. And he's also really mean and I like that about him.

That said, I was VERY impressed with Bryden's very Bentley-esque move this week. Notable mostly for his bangs and look of perpetual bafflement, Bryden let ABC fly him all the way to Munich, Germany, then IMMEDIATELY told Desiree he wanted to leave the show because he doesn't like her that much. He even interrupted her date with Chris to do it. That's how urgently he wanted to not be around her anymore. And now he's roaming around the country as a sex tourist.

But that wasn't the worst thing to happen on their date noooooooooooo sir. See, Desiree made the mistake of telling Chris she wants someone "expressive," and he's like, "I'll show you expressive," and then reads an awful poem aloud. (We got very lucky here in Chicago because a severe thunderstorm warning came on mid-recital.) Des responds by giving Chris a good firm hug and a sincere thanks. JUST KIDDING THEY MAKE OUT. And then she's, like, I have a surprise: there's a man sitting at the piano right over there and he's been watching us this whole time. This turns everyone on. Especially Chris Harrison, whose high school yearbook superlative was Most Likely to Watch Other People Watch Other People Make Out.

For the group date Desiree takes a herd of men to a mountain for sledding, but first they yuggle yodel (aw, Juan Pablo) with a small German man. Des said she was glad to see the guys "embracing the culture" and they were very literally embracing the culture assuming that poor little man's name was culture. They couldn't keep their mitts off of him. Then they go sledding and Des declares Munich, Germany the "happiest place on Earth," and now Disney is in process of suing Desiree, Germany, and itself.

What else? Oh, Zak W. says he was going to be a priest until he realized priests aren't allowed to get their teeth bleached. And Brooks and Des kiss after she pulls him in like she's a drunk frat boy. This woman is one step away from masturbating in public like a monkey to express any positive emotion.

Who needs group dates when two-on-one dates are a thing. The people going are Ben who everyone hates and who always looks like he's smelling shit (better yet, Ben who everyone hates BECAUSE he always looks like he's smelling shit) and Mr. Mood Ring Hair, Michael G. who hates Ben the most of all.

Even Des knows in advance that this date is going to be very awkward (more awkward than the rest of her dates and that's really saying something!), so the producers decide the best thing to do is put the three of them in a hot tub in the middle of a lake so no one can escape. Which only could have been better if Bentley would have parachuted into the hot tub from an airplane specifically to tell Des she has weird teeth.

She kicks off the date with a totally normal non-loaded question to ask a guy who's taken an absence from responsible fatherhood and the man who hates him: "What are some family traditions you have or want to start with your family?"

Ben says he likes church. Michael G. says, "UM, but you didn't go to church with everyone on Easter."

Ben says Easter is just a big family day for him. Michael G. says, "UM, but you didn't call your son on Easter."

Then Ben reaches over and pulls Michael G.'s head off with his bare hands, spins in on his finger like a Harlem Globetrotter, clutches it in his mouth by the hair, and then swims away like a dolphin. NOOO. He's a good Christian, so he basically just sits in bubbling 100-degree water and takes it. And he takes it at dinner, too. And then Des sends him home.

The lesson here: if you're an awful person, just be an awful person all the time. People will appreciate it. Promise.

Oh, and then at the rose ceremony at the Schloss Schleissheim Desiree sends Mikey home. The lesson there: don't look like so much of a monkey.

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