That's me being Desiree, who is VERY excited for this week's dates on the idyllic Portuguese archipelago so she can "see how the guys are feeling about her." That's obviously secondary to how she feels about them and also a very good lesson to teach our young women.
What's best about it is that there is one person who would appear to feel pret-ty ambivalent about Des right now and that's Brooks. So of course she loves him. Or was instructed to say she loves him. What the fuck ever happened to his broken finger? Better get that jammer ready for the Fantasy Suite™, bud.
Let's not get ahead of myself, shall me? Some of the women Desiree formed tenuous bonds with on the last season of The Bachelor are here! We've got Leslie, a redheaded lady, and even Catherine, who Sean ultimately chose over Desiree (and Leslie and the redheaded lady)! Sean's advice to Catherine was to give Desiree good advice, which is the best advice. All the girls hug and unanimously agree that the others look "so cute." SO cute. Then one of the producers lets the guys out of their pen to play in the pool area with some toys they've strewn about and it's strikingly similar to this...
The girls ogle them through binoculars then have a circle jerk.
The first one-on-one date is with Brooks. Where is she taking him, he wonders? "On a trip," she says. Giving a vague answer when a person obviously wants a specific one does not a good significant other make. Ultimately, Desiree takes Brooks to a very high place where they can be in clouds and then say as many cloud-related clichés as they can conjure.
Notable omissions: "Cloudy with a chance of meatballs," at which point Des would have whipped out her boobs then flung herself off the cliff.
But, seriously, you guys. They didn't just break through the clouds, they had a breakthrough in their relationship.
SOMEONE TELL BROOKS, RIGHT?
OK, but first, what is he wearing on their night date? Well, I'll tell you: a black T-shirt under a chambray shirt under an olive green and navy blue striped sweater. It's like he lost his suitcase and the rest of the guys were forced to donate random articles of clothing so he wouldn't have to be naked and cold, but did so reeeeally reluctantly.
He spends the date rambling a lot about his family (?) and then since he doesn't want to say he loves Desiree, comes up with adjectives for love. Adjectives for love = lots of verbs and nouns. Running works as an adjective if you're talking about, say, a running faucet, not the physical act of running. Which he wants to do. Away from this clingy lady who's forever jabbing her tongue at him like a finger. She asks, "Do you want me to meet your family," and he says "Yeah" in a way that gets high-pitched half-way through and means "No."
Meanwhile, Chris is back at the hotel receiving the next one-on-one date card. "Let's SEA if we can find love here," it says. And what does he do? He sniffs it. So, basically, if Desiree ends up with him, she's resigned herself to a life of being VERY careful about leaving socks, shoes, underwear lying around...we've got a sniffer on our hands.
They get on a boat, Chris rubs suntan lotion on Des's back like a cat kneading a Vellux blanket, and go to an island to throw
messages in bottles garbage in the water. When I was pretty young, my family and I went on a Disney cruise and I still remember being instructed by an activities director to put a message inside a balloon and then throw the balloon into the ocean. If you ever find a beached whale with a balloon lodged in its blowhole, you know who to talk to. And I bet whatever I wrote on the piece of paper within was about as profound as whatever these two poets came up with.
Des suggests: "Keep the chem ... keep the memories close to heart."
BUT WHAT WAS SHE ABOUT TO SAY?
Keep the chemicals away from your eyes and skin? Keep the chemistry set away from my brother who is a violent sociopath and who will FINALLY be on the upcoming meet-my-family episode? (GOD I CAN'T WAIT.)
We'll never know.
Oh, man. I really like how obvious it is that Chris has no friends in his real life. For instance, he mentions that he enjoyed growing up with siblings because "you didn't have to have a lot of other friends." Aw. You didn't have to. But you coulda. Then he reads another poem and the utter dearth of friends makes sense.
Time for Michael's date and, look, he wore his best green gingham shirt into town. I don't know. As fun as it to toboggan with Michael then listen to him talk about himself RELENTLESSLY for the subsequent several hours, I just kind of get the feeling Desiree doesn't like him all that much. But he has diabetes, so awww.
But Drew is all revved up and ready to out-diabetes Michael faster than you can lose a go-cart race and then say "severely mentally handicapped sister." "Will you come see her with me?" Drew asks whilst on his two-on-one date, and there's literally only one way anyone can answer that question. He's no fool.
You know, Desiree's a pretty girl, so WHYYYYY do they put so much makeup on her for the rose ceremonies? She looks so much like this:
Anyway, Des sends Michael home and his mom definitely knew it was coming. "Here we go again," she says. In hindsight, I wish Michael would have made it through hometown visits because I like the sound of this lady.
Hopefully he has enough sense not to repeat the TSPLOST debacle.
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Get ready for more car- oriented, cul de sacs, strip malls and low density development.