Wednesday, August 7, 2013

'The Bachelorette' Final Finale: Des-erted but then not anymore because Chris

Posted By on Wed, Aug 7, 2013 at 6:05 PM

THIS IS WHAT PURE JOY LOOKS LIKE.
  • ABC
  • THIS IS WHAT PURE JOY LOOKS LIKE.
It seems like just yesterday that Desiree Hartsock drove into our lives in a beat-up Honda Civic, unloaded her bindle full of sequined dresses and early-aughts hip-hop dance wear, and began compulsively inserting her tongue into the mouths of strangers. Now lookit her. Engaged to Chris, the son of a successful nostril chiropractor. I couldn't be prouder if she was marrying a stranger she doesn't appear to like that much.

I have a secret and my secret is that I'm an asshole. Based on the fact that so much of the first half of the two-part, FIVE-HOUR LONG season finale was dedicated to watching Desiree cry about Brooks's departure, I thought for sure he was coming back. No waaaaay they'd make us sit idly and watch her cry on a dock for an hour unless he was coming back, right? Even the lady with the nose of a Roman soldier in the live studio audience thought he was coming back. And she looked like she knew things. And of course the malevolent satyr we call Chris Harrison took a lot of pleasure in dangling the Brooks carrot. He's a real dangling pro. A born dangler. Ask Jackie, the red head from last season who they keep bringing back for color commentary even though everyone specifically doesn't care what she has to say. Chris has for sure put his dangly dangler on her.

Also, I figured Brooks was gonna come back because Desiree for sure got engaged (I checked a spoiler site, big whoop) and she for sure didn't want to get engaged to Chris or Drew.

Toward the beginning of this episode (I'm talking about hour three of the two-part finale), Chris sits down bit Desiree to make sure she wants to cry a little bit more about Brooks and she does! "I'm OK when people don't ask," she says and Chris is like, "I know, that's why I asked." Crying, crying,and then Chris is like, "Could you see yourself with one of the two remaining guys?" and Des is like, "I don't know."

She thinks Chris is very "fun" and Drew is so "sweet," both of which are like a half-step up from "neat." She should definitely spend forever with one of them. Do it for Bachelor Nation and the fallacy upon which its empire is built, namely that one in every 25 people is your potential life partner. You just have to be ready for the journey and open to finding love, ladies.

Des continued on her journey by having a bullshit, no-reason rose ceremony at which she reveals to Chris and Drew that and Brooks is gone, then cries about it some more. BUT YOU GUYS ARE REALLY NEAT TOO. She gives both of them roses so she can make sure they want to be there more than Brooks did, which was not at all.

Do they ever. Drew demonstrates this by wearing his eyes very close together. I bet his left eye and right eye whisper back and forth all day about how much they love Des. Needless to say, it's gotten inside Drew's head. "I'D NEVER LEAVE DES," he says. Aw, I bet you would if she asked real nicely.

It's time for Desiree to rapidly discover how much she hates Drew, or rather, draw penises in her journal, decide she hates Drew, nod with self-satisfaction, and throw on a crop top to tell him.

"I have so much riding on today," Des says whilst riding a horse.

She doesn't waste a lot of time before deciding "something's wrong" and saying so to Drew in a manner that definitely made him expel a little bit of the contents of his lower intestines into his pleated shorts. He squirms and sweats, but mostly acts pretty cool about it even though his dick is definitely the size of a thimble.

Welp, there's only one guy left. What's Des gonna do?? She's gonna fall in love with this Chris motherfucker if it's the last thing she ever does. And she better hurry because they only have one date left! C'mon. That's plenty of time. And, wow, must it be fun for Chris. Look at her laugh hysterically at every lame joke he makes and agree with every stupid, untrue thing he says. For instance, "We've never taken a step back," to which she replies, "Strue."

And we're not getting off the hook without at a poem, or "pome" as Chris says and probably spells it. She reads aloud some verses he's written in a journal for her and he mouths the words while she reads, which is easily the grossest thing a poet (or pote?) can do. Also, someone already bought her a journal, a-hole.

Chris meets Desiree's family and we all thought it would be really fun because her escaped mental patient evangelist/missionary brother Nate is there, but even he acts almost normal. I mean, not normal, but close. Desiree's dad eagerly gives Chris his permission to propose because it means one less mouth to feed even though Desiree doesn't even live with them anymore. It's like grandparents who grew up during the depression or whatever.

A small simian creature named Neil Lane sells Chris a ring and it's go time. Aw, and at the proposal don't they just look so happy together? Look at how splotchy and panicked Desiree looks! That's love if I've ever seen it. It's like they've known each other their whole lives, but never got around to actually meeting or having a conversation. Fuck it. They have ETERNITY to get to know each other.

THE END.

Oh. Wait. So, Juan Pablo is the next Bachelor. So a guy we sort of liked is going to force us to grow to hate him and he's also going to have an annoying accent in the process. Great. SEE YOU IN JANUARY.

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