Thursday, September 12, 2013

First Slice 09/12/13: Braves give impromptu etiquette lesson. No casualties reported.

Posted By on Thu, Sep 12, 2013 at 9:00 AM

The Braves lost to the Marlins last night. Both benches cleared in the sixth when Atlanta decided to give an impromptu etiquette lesson to rookie Miami pitcher Jose Fernandez. Fernandez hit his first homer in the bigs and decided there was no better place to enjoy it than standing at home plate, staring down his blast until it was well out of the park. Atlanta catcher Brian McCann reminded the rookie that a gentleman never overstays his welcome. Taking umbrage at McCann's unsolicited admonition, a scrum broke out shortly thereafter with players and coaches scurrying onto the diamond to have a hearty debate on the merits of sportsmanship and its connection to the primal fires stoked by such impassioned competition. And then a bunch of grown men shoved each a few times and at least one person probably said, "Fuck me? NO - FUCK YOU!"

New interim DeKalb County CEO Lee May has decided to harvest the secret grove of money trees tucked away in that hidden valley just east of Decatur! Why? To hire 480 more police officers and 300 more firefighters and give bonuses to those already in uniform. That May, what a mensch.

Grantville, Ga. Police Chief Doug Jordan has been suspended for a week without pay after going to Arizona to kick it with "America's Toughest Sheriff, Joe Arpaio." Arpaio, best known for repelling invaders by means of his paramilitary resistance tactics in the ongoing Second Mexican-American War, coached Jordan on the nuances of battling narcotics. The Ariz. sheriff is also a seasoned combatant in America's War on Drugs, Tricky Dick's venerable gift that can't do nothing but just keep livin'. Jordan has expressed his hopes to establish Grantville's own "DRUG TEAM" based on many of Arpaio's practices. Until Jordan's suspension is up, the eight other officers that make up Grantville's Finest will just have to keep that Fogerty classic cued up for the chief's grand return.

Thinking he had been poisoned after inspecting a small plastic bag of a white powdery substance, a police officer rushed to the Gwinnett Medical Center in Lawrenceville on Wednesday. An entire section of the hospital was immediately shut down in case the officer had been exposed to a possible hazardous material. Turned out it was just soap. Let's all pretend he had a valid excuse for getting sick. Maybe he ate lunch at the Flying Biscuit in Gwinnett that scored a 40 on its inspection.

That Russian rascal is back in the international limelight. Putin has kept his shirt on thus far but if he can get Syria to give up all of their chemical weapons without the assistance of the US or the UN, then everybody is happy? America dodges or postpones a military quagmire, Congress and Obama don't have to plunge into a political thicket, and Putin can sun himself sans top as he takes his extended victory lap. Oh and Syrians will now only be killed by bullets, tanks, explosives, starvation, missiles, and blades. But they won't be gassed again. Heckuva job, fellas.


The golden age of off-roading in Atlanta parks may soon be over. Who will be brave enough to stand up and say, "I'll give you my ATV when you pry it from my cold, muddy hands," you?

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