Wednesday, January 8, 2014

'The Bachelor' Ep. 1: It's cold this Juanuary

Posted By on Wed, Jan 8, 2014 at 5:54 PM

You find me adorable ... for now.
  • ABC
  • "You find me adorable ... for now."
On Monday, it was colder in Chicago than it's been since 1988, but inside the dog-scented tomb I call an apartment, things were all damp and steamy. That's because The Bachelor is back and he's Juan Pablo who is hot and dreamy and we're all supposed to act like this lady about it because he has an accent. It was also damp and steamy because I had the humidifier cranked up so's my nostrils wouldn't get all dry and filled with furnace boogs.

It seems very important to ABC that we understand it's very important that Juan Pablo is the bachelor this season. They're like, "YOU SPOKE, WE LISTENED." Also, "LOOK, he's a sort of a minority!" They also forced Chris Harrison to refer to him as "hunky" (although "forced" might be a little strong). Did you watch that bullshit "Countdown to Juan Pablo" on Sunday night? Alright, the audition tapes - most of which resemble the boring parts of amateur pornographic movies - were pretty fun, but that visit with his family felt superfluous, especially considering his mom, dad, and daughter (say it: CAHMEEELA) moved to Los Angeles with him. And also considering his uncle doesn't know his name isn't "Juan Carlos." In pudgy uncle's defense, it's hard for me not to call him Don Pablo, because I'm always a little bit hungry for inexpensive chain Tex-Mex.

Ew and maybe you noticed that we also caught a glimpse of that Burning Man-looking asswipe producer who tweeted a made-up fight he had with no one on an airplane. In asswipe producer's defense, I'm sure the lines between right and wrong, reality and fantasy (suite) become pretty hazy when you earn a living recruiting people to be held in captivity, cut off from the outside world, for a month of idol worship and the occasional exchange of bodily fluids.

Oh shut up, Gwynedd, you old fuddy-duddy.

"It's all about DESTINY," says Juan Pablo, which is a cute way to look at what he and 25 women are about to do to each other. Did I say 25? I MEANT 27. "The response was so overwhelming," says Chris, that they tossed in a couple extra women for good measure. What Chris didn't mention is that if Juan Pablo doesn't ultimately choose either of those last two, he gets to keep them as sex slaves.

Let's meet the ladies, shaalllll weeeeee?

Not all of them, just the ones I have things to say about:
- Chantel. Isn't it weird that she coached him on how to say her name? Chantel. You mean, like, Chantel the name that lots of people have? Got it. (Also, one of her three favorite movies according to her profile on is Home Alone 2. Controversial, although I totally prefer The Godfather: Part II to the original, so I can see where she's coming from.)

- Kat. If you're not a stripper but you look vaguely like a stripper you should be more specific when you call yourself a "dancer."

- Lucy/Lucinda. You know what? If Kat is a stripper that's fiiiiiiiiine. Because we're women and we're liberated and we can do whatever we want, including say our profession is "free-spirit," Because, goddammit, if we want to look like dickheads on TV, we're women and that's our prerogative.

- Kelly. Dog-lover is also not a job, but that's OK because you're from Atlanta.

- Lauren S. Alright, send all these other hags home because Lauren HAS WON MY HEAAAARRRRRRTTTT. Watching someone pedal up a driveway on a piano on wheels was like watching a cat use the toilet in such a good way. Then she forgot to tell Juan P. her name, which was maybe intentional?

- Valerie. This is the one who wore cowboy boots and said, "You can take the girl out of [blank], but you cant take the [blank] out of the girl," which is so fucking rote even she looked like she thought it was lame.

- Andi. Also from Atlanta! Seriously, my second favorite part of the whole episode (after Lauren the cat on her toilet piano) was the fake courtroom scene they set up for her intro vignette, in which the "attorney" for the "defendant" definitely got confused about what role he was playing and glared at her like a serial killer. I'm still on your side Andi, even though during your one-on-one time with Juan P. you acted like reading was for dorks. In your defense, "You must read a lot," was a weird response to, "I'm a lawyer."

- Sharlene. Winner of the first impression rose. Why? OOH I wish I could tell you. She seemed so thoroughly uncomfortable from the second she got out of the limo. Was she waiting to break into song (she's the opera singer)? Does she have diarrhea? No, she's just kind of weird and doesn't like Juan Pablo all that much. Oh, she'll change her TUNE.

- Amy J. The massage therapist who just always happens to date guys who don't like getting massages. Well, lady, not liking getting massages isn't a thing. BLAAAAAAAAH. It's too boring to talk about Amy because she's just seems so much like an actress hamming it up at her agent's urging, but I'm seriously shocked the producers didn't keep her around for a few more episodes for yucks. I would have yucked.

- Kylie. Imagine being in a room with like 30 people for, say, an awards ceremony and you hear your name announced so you head up to the podium and then - ACK - you realize you misheard your name, so you go home and cry in the bathtub and consider suicide or at least never ever leaving the house again. Kylie did that IN FRONT OF AMERICA. Oof. Tip: change your hair color and people might not point and laugh at you on the street (also you should just definitely change your hair color).

- Lauren H. Look! I saved the best for last! Lauren was cuckolded by her fiance and is just sick and tired of people feeling sorry for her about it. So what does she do? Talks about being cuckolded a lot, but only when she isn't crying. Another one I can't believe got sent home so soon. Normally they'll keep this type around so we can put on our galoshes and splash around in her tears for a little while. I'm sure Chris Harrison collected a vial of them to keep in his bedside drawer.

Which weird ones did I leave out? How long until the meager distance between Juan Pablo's eyes is less cute than annoying? WE HAVE SO MANY WEEKS AND HOURS TO FIND OUT.

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