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Wednesday, February 19, 2014

'The Bachelor' Ep. 7: Sharleen on me

Theres a whole island. You can spread out a little, guys.
  • There's a whole island. You can spread out a little, guys.
Do you miss Sharleen yet, or what? That's a stupid question. How 'bout this: On a scale from one to 10, how much do you miss Sharleen? If you know anything about answering questions that are phrased that way, then you just blurted something like ELEVEN.

Me, I can hardly decide what I'll miss most: her surly demeanor, her prominent eyebrows perched upon a rock-solid forehead, her German kisses, her impeccable taste in swimsuits that were definitely wardrobe pieces from early-90s cock-rock music videos. Nope. I'm gonna miss her smarts. Yeah, I know she wasn't a good conversationalist and I know her emotional intelligence ran about as deep as the inside of Juan Pablo's mouth, but she says she's smart, plus she sings opera and has no sense of humor, so we have to take her word for it. Like, even though she volunteered herself to be on The Bachelor. She is smarter than Juan Pablo, which is saying almost nothing.

Anyway, so, among the thrills and chills in last night's episode, we had Sharleen telling Juan Pablo in whisper tones that she was gonna g'head and go home because he wanted to meet her family and she didn't want that, because she's not dumb enough to want that, is basically what she said. Whispered. Whilst having her face rubbed by filthy fingers.

BUT FIRST, we're in Miami, and Juan Pablo is very excited to surprise his daughter Camila (even though there were already cameras in the house before he came in, so there's no way she was actually excited), but mostly he's excited to pick bits of old food from his cousin Rodolfo's braces. Rodolfo's braces should be the next Bachelor. Next, JP is excited to surprise Sharleen with a card for the first one-on-one date, for which they'll be departing in a mere ten minutes. Sharleen seems put-out by being rushed to get ready, but still manages to find time to remove her cool fish bone earrings and to have a "dear diary" moment out on the balcony. See, she just isn't sure that she and Juan Pablo have a cerebral connection. So she spends the subsequent several hours prodding his brain with her tongue.

The two go out on a yacht and kiss and she's like, "You feel good," and it's just so disgusting. Then they kiss some more and she tells him she's been a real opera-singin' workaholic but she could maybe be ready to change. JP responds by smiling and looking at her blankly and saying, "Ooh, I like that," and it's unclear whether he understood anything she just said. So they makeout some more.

My viewing companions and I decided that what's going on there is that she's attracted to him because she's kind of a "dork" (even though she's obviously pretty ... in her own way) and a dumb beefcake has never liked her before and, conversely, he's a dumb beefcake-type and a "smart" girl has never bothered with him before. It's like She's All That, except really boring.

Juan says he like all the words that she use. They're all "so proper." Then he asks if she wants him to meet her family and she seriously responds with "I wish I was a little dumber" so she could just say yes. Unawares that he's just been insulted, Juan has a good chuckle and they call it a night.

Sharleen is feeling conflicted so luckily Renee, the resident internal conflict negotiation manager, is there to talk her through it.

Man, is it just me or does Renee seem tired? You know how old people go to bed at 7:30 p.m. so they can wake up at 4:30 a.m. and sit and chain smoke by the window while they wait for the newspaper to be delivered? I feel like that's how Renee usually lives her life, so these hours and all the commotion are just really getting to her.

Now it's Nikki's turn to go on a one-on-one date and SURPRISE she's going to a children's dance recital and meeting his entire family, including his parents, daughter, and the mother of said daughter. Couple things:
- Had Nikki known in advance what they were doing, would she have worn a Vicky's Secret bathrobe atop labia-bearing cut-off shorts?
- Isn't it mean to make someone go to your kid's fucking dance recital? Not even parents want to go to boring things like that, do they?

Camila does her singings and dancings (and even has a solo - UNDESERVED IF YOU ASK ME) and then Nikki meets all of these people and no one seems to like her all that much, particularly Juan's ex, who looks like she wants to go home and twist the heads off of dolls and pets.

Then Juan takes Nikki to his "office," which is a cool dood way of saying the stadium in which he apparently works. She tapes her dress (it's barely a dress really) to her breasts so they don't fly out and the two play a little catch. The whole thing seems very comfortable.

Meanwhile, Sharleen has been doing some thinking and she's decided to leave. She tells the others and Clare is like, "Well, you look really cute."

This is where she goes to talk to Juan and she whispers and cries, and he manhandles her face and really takes the whole thing in stride. He finally starts to cry in his interview about her departure, but then the camera pans downward and we discover that he's only crying because Chris Harrison is squeezing his testicles in his fist.

The group date is sort of a snooze. Chelsie is really excited that next week Juan could be visiting her family, which we all know is DEFINITELY not going to happen. Clare talks about her dead dad in an attempt to get the date rose. Andi cries a little bit and succeeds in getting the date rose. Juan and Andi continue their date with some terrible dancing and the others go home to fight with each other.

The editing in the fight scene is really weird, but I think what they wanted us to see is that Clare was talking and Nikki got up and stormed out while Clare was talking, even though she wasn't saying anything that would make a person storm out of a room. Clare is too upset about it because she thinks Nikki gets away with being a bitch too often. So she goes upstairs into Nikki's room and Nikki tells her to get out and Clare wants to know if Nikki paid for that particular room in their suite. Apparently, she would leave if Nikki paid for the room. Nikki confesses she didn't pay for the room and Clare is like, "OK, I just wanted to clarify that."

Her debut R&B album should be called CLARE-ify, I think.

Nikki accuses Clare of peeing on Juan Pablo, which, little does she know, might have happened inadvertently in the ocean.

Then it's time for the cocktail party. If they would have had invitations printed up in advance for this one, those invitations could have said "Chelsie's Going Away Party." Time for the last of our low-hanging fruit to be harvested. Highlights of the party:
- Clare and Nikki's standoff, a silence so powerful, no one can overcome it.
- Renee is wearing a shitload of bronzer. I figure this is a new strategy. Instead of making the circles under your eyes match the rest of your face, just make the rest of your face match the circles! It's actually pretty smart.

Juan sends Chelsie home and then cries again, but the camera pans down and we see that Chris Harrison is clamped to his testicles with his teeth.

Next week: Monday AND Tuesday episodes. FOUR HOURS. Renee is gonna be exhausted.

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