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Thursday, June 19, 2014

'The Bachelorette' Ep. 5: Racist bull@#$&

Youre too good for this shit.
  • ABC.com
  • You're too good for this shit.
I think we'd all enjoy to believe we live in a post-discrimination society. All men are created equal. We're judged by the content of our characters, nothing else. Leave it to an episode of The Bachelorette to lay bare the kind of America in which we really exist.

I mean, Andi is being SUCH a judgey bitch about Josh being a former professional athlete. It's not enough that he's good looking (in a built-in-a-lab sort of way) or that he, I don't know, likes to travel and stuff. Nooooo sir. In the back of her mind, even when his tongues in the back of her throat, he's just another beefcake with toned abdominal muscles and a flaccid intellect.

OH WAIT. You thought I was gonna talk about Marquel and how woefully, disgustingly racist this show is! How he was kicked off before getting so much as a one-on-one date - despite being the most handsome, most likable guy of the bunch - but not soon enough to avoid learning he'd allegedly been referred to as a "blackie" by stupid Andrew. I'm not even necessarily sure J.J. didn't mishear the comment in question, but it doesn't really matter. Marquel was forced to feel like an other amongst a group of guys he'd become friends(ish) with and then react to it on national TV. He was great, but watching it was awful. But I guess we couldn't expect any less than the worst from a show that hasn't had a black lead figure in almost 30 seasons. If this isn't a preface to Marquel becoming the next Bachelor - if he wants anything to do with it - then they are shameless.

Oh, but how can we be ornery when we're in FRAAAAAAAANCE. "It's the perfect place to fall in love," says Andi, much like every single place anyone on this show has ever visited. She asks Chris Harrison, "Can you believe this?" He shows so much restraint by not grabbing her by the ears and shouting into her face that he's done this 30 fucking times.

Josh gets the first one-on-one date and immediately attempts to dispel any preconceived notions we have about athletes by referring to it as "the Super Bowl of dates." They go to a harbor and Andi observes that "this is like a harbor." Then they go in a boat and french. WHEN IN MARSEILLES, AS THEY SAY. Josh asks Andi what she's good at (besides sucking face) and she tells him "mind games." He thought she was being cute, but actually she just meant, like, brain teasers. Riddles, puzzles, fun activities like that. She's a lawyer (an unemployed one)! She's no dummy. Then they go watch Ben Fields, but Josh gets confused again and is like "PLAY BRICK!" I would like this show better if they made contestants makeout whilst listening to mid-90s songs about teenage abortion.

Then it's mime time. "I've got my mime on my money and my money on my mime," says Cody because he's just really embracing the fact that sounds exactly like Seth Green in Can't Hardly Wait. Chris says he has no idea what mimes do because there are no mimes in Iowa. First of all, that's probably not true. Second, "we don't have it in Iowa" is a bad reason to not know about something. Anyway, they all jerk around and frighten the locals, except for Marquel who could probably actually be a mime. Nick sulks because he doesn't like being on group dates, which makes you wonder why he didn't go on a show where people only date one other person at a time. A show called "life."

In the nighttime parts, Andi tests out the "sophisticated ponytail" Suave just taught her how to make, makes out with disgusting J.J. on a Ferris wheel, and listens to Cody tattle on Nick for mocking what a doof he is, and then Andrew tattle on himself, but in a way that made it sound like Marquel had done something wrong. Oh and Nick writes a poem to prove he isn't a sulky, dumpy baby. Smooth move.

I haven't mentioned Marcus a whole lot yet, have I? I think one of my viewing companions summed him up really well when she called him a "used shoe salesman."

Wouldn't you be kinda bummed if you were Brian and you were gonna go on a one-on-one date and then the entire date turned out to be a commercial for a movie called The Hundred-Foot Journey, which I've renamed The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel II: France in our Pants? I would be bummed. Especially if it meant I had to sit there and watch the whole goddamn thing. But, really, imagine being a camera man in this scenario and filming people sitting and watching a film. That has to be demoralizing.

After they watch the movie, they set out to recreate the movie by going to a market to buy foods and then cook them in a kitchen. Unfortunately, kitchens make Brian shut down emotionally. I think maybe he was under the false impression this was an actual cooking competition? He says, "Ask my mom, I don't know how to cook." When you're in your 30s we shouldn't have to ask your mom anything about you. Meanwhile, Andi is doing her best to make cooking sexy and getting nowhere with Mr. Kitchen Nightmare. "If I was in the kitchen and I saw my woman cooking, I would come up behind her and steal some kisses," Andi says. Maybe you should date women?

Anyway, they finally go to a place where the kitchen is out of sight and other people cook for you and Brian loosens up again - seriously, who did what to him in a kitchen? - and gets a rose because he eventually almost acted like a normal person and that's good enough for horseshoes.

An aside: Wasn't it satisfying to watch that idiot singing show not work at all? Of course we only had time for that dirty Groban mess because Andi canceled her cocktail party because she was so sure of the guys she wanted to get rid of, Marquel among them. Which is total bullshit. As he leaves, she calls him her "cookie monster," referring to his icebreaker on the very first night, which goes to show how much attention she paid him beyond that.

Patrick - a man with the unique ability to expel feces from his chin, little known fact - was also sent packing. "I have heard from multiple people, not just girls, that have told me I have qualities that are paramount in a husband," he says. Modesty, first and foremost. Please just go date men now. Meanwhile, Marquel says, "I'm not anything special - but I want love real bad." Believe me, you are special, bud.

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