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Wednesday, July 2, 2014

'The Bachelorette' Ep. 7: TELL ANDI YOU LOVE HER

The best part of the whole episode
  • abc
  • The best part of the whole episode

How's this for a coincidence: we send seven marginally employed single people and a shitty country duo called American Young to Belgium to dry hump on park benches and swap spit in a monastery's pottery barn, and then Belgium handily beats the U.S. in the World Cup. Everyone should pretend to be mad at The Bachelorette just like we're all pretending we give a shit about the World Cup. Oh, I'm just kidding. You love soccer and you always have.

So, yeah, we're in Belgium and Andi would appear to be wearing a leather poncho and matching leather pants (she left the gimp mask in her hotel room). Every week of this journey is very important, but this week is extraspecially exponentially more important because it's the week leading up to hometown visits and Andi takes going into a family's home VERY SERIOUSLY. She says it many times. It's VERY SERIOUS to go into other people's homes.

Important developments:
- J.J. may have been sent home, but he's still nestled in everyone's hearts and wrapped around their throats. Almost all of these motherfuckers are wearing scarves now and I'm pointing the finger in J.J.'s general direction.

- Dylan is giving Andi's Suave-styled sophisticated ponytail a run for its money with his slick 'n' slimy half ponybun. Great look, man.

Marcus, the Most Boring Man on Earth™, gets the first one-on-one date on which they'll take "a taste of Brussels," which equals ordering mussels exclusively so Andi can say aloud that they're eating mussels in Brussels. Marcus thinks it's funny, which he indicates by repeating what she just said whilst almost smiling. Andi's not sure about Marcus because he threatened to leave at one point (I barely remember that because it's so hard for me to pay attention when Marcus starts talking), but he explains that he's just scared of emotions, which we know is a pile of shit because he IMMEDIATELY brings up writing in his journal like a woman. Also he's real into telling her he's in love with her which she is very in love with.

DID YOU LOVE JEN SCHEFFT'S ELEGANT HALF UPDO OR WHAT? I did.

Next Marcus tells a boring story about his absentee dad and the potential that his alcoholic mom will force Andi to slam shots of vodka, which all makes Andi feel a certain "comfortness" with Marcus. I've decided to start calling him Neiman Marcus because he looks like he could be a catalog model in that he's pleasantly unremarkable looking and probably stuffs things down the front of his cotton briefs.

When Marcus and Andi are done with their snoozer date, Nick goes rogue (with the blessing of several producers and an entire camera crew) and decides he's gonna find Andi and have secret alone times with her. It turns out this is VERY easy when front desk people have been instructed in advance to give you a person's room number which they for sure are not allowed to do, and if they are I'd not advise staying at the Hotel Schlingerfart - or whatever it's called - unless you want to be fucking murdered. Anyway, he goes to her room and they go on a stupid boring walk instead of going into an ocean to not have sex like they do on The Bachelor. Andi says, "I can feel what he's thinking - it's so hot." She wants to fingerbang his thoughts so hard.

Next Josh gets a one-on-one date and Andi spends it forcing him to tell her he's falling in love with her, and it's like pulling a baby out of another baby. Seriously, I bet she had her hand in a paper bag pointed at him underneath the table like an armed robber.

On the group date Andi takes the other guys - Chris, Nick, and, I don't know, a couple others - to a monastery because nothing says romance like silence, celibacy, and sensible sandals. They thing about this date, Andi tells them, is that it's a sacred place so none of them can kiss her no matter how badly it kills them not to smash their lips into her own frowny face. Naturally, she finds a loophole and makes out with Chris in a barn that's not exactly on the property or whatever.

Dylan snags some one-on-one time with Andi and tells her about how when she comes to visit his hometown she's gonna meet his grandparents and his mom, and she's like, "No I'm not." Aw, but shucks, they had a fun day planned, which no doubt included a visit to a carnival. He looks like he comes from carnival people.

Brian, who is in the terrible habit of speaking in cliches - "I have a game plan" "I'm putting all my eggs in one basket" "I'm falling in love with you" - gets sent back to the hotel with Dylan and Chris when Andi decides to give the date rose to Nick, who comes on just strong enough to appeal to a woman with shaky self esteem. He doesn't just leave it at "I'm falling in love with you." Oh no, he adds, "And I can feel you falling in love with me, too." That's how he knows they're going to be together. Forever. This is the beginning of a Lifetime movie if I've ever seen one. (I've seen lots of Lifetime movies.)

Nick gets home and the guys don't want to talk to him, but then they want to talk to him a lot about what a cock he is. Brian, trusted purveyor of idioms, starts the attack with, "I'm not going to beat around the bush ..." and then everyone else joins in. Marcus thinks Nick preys on people who are insecure at times. Another schmuck thinks it's bad and wrong that Nick watched previous seasons of the show. Chris thinks Nick is more about strategy than he is about Andi. Which is cute coming from the guy who wrote those dumbdick secret admirer letters and then didn't keep it a secret.

Andi arrives for the rose ceremony in a fetching sequined gown from the Bea Arthur Collection, and it makes Chris all hot in his pants. He is like, hey, wait I need to talk to you about something, and then he sucks her face. It's not not a strategy to make out with a lady who's demonstrated that she's super into making out. Then she sends Dylan and Brian home because she'd rather die than meet their families. The end!

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