Don't Panic

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Don't Panic!: Are Obama’s nuclear policies making the U.S. safer?

Posted By on Tue, Apr 20, 2010 at 2:00 PM

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If I were one of President Obama's secret Muslim handlers, I'd be angry.

Their diabolical secret Muslim plan seemed foolproof: win the War On Terror™ by sneaking a charming, telegenic Kenyanesian member of their brotherhood into the White House! Genius!

So what if Hopey al-Changeypants wasn't born the U.S. We'll build a time machine that takes us to Hawaii, 1961 – where we'll stick "evidence" of Obama's American "birth" into hospital files and local newspapers. Allah provides!

And just to be safe, we'll sneak someone onto Straight Talk Express, where we'll whisper the worst possible campaign advice into John McCain's ear while he naps: "Pick Palin and you'll win over the all-important f**ktard-hockey-MILF-and-the-dudes-who-want-to-bone-them demographic."

The plan very nearly worked. Obama won. But instead of moving the White House to Mecca and replacing the "Star Spangled Banner" with some Cat Stevens song, Obama started acting all American-like.

Continue Reading "Don't Panic!: Are Obama’s nuclear policies making the U.S. safer?"

(Photo illustration by Andisheh Nouraee)

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Monday, April 12, 2010

Don't Panic: How many civilians has the U.S. killed in the War On Terror™?

Posted By on Mon, Apr 12, 2010 at 2:00 PM

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Before I joined the SocialistLibtardIslamofascistHomo Conspiracy (aka the media), I worked for a small public relations firm.

I did PR for commercial real estate companies. I learned a lot during my tenure. I learned two-hour lunch breaks would be socially acceptable if you replaced the word "break" with "meeting." I learned that all good strip clubs bill discreetly to your credit card. I also learned a lot of corporate buzzwords and clichés.

Most of them were silly. I heard a lot about synergy, proactivity and win-win situations. Even a decade later, I'm waiting to hear someone, somewhere describe a deal as a win-lose situation. "Man, they totally ripped us off. Definitely a win-lose situation."

Business life wasn't all eye-rolls and bullshit bingo, though. I spent time around smart people and picked up on the way they think.

Reading several stories in the past week about civilians killed during the War on Terror™, I was reminded of one of the few management clichés I picked up during my PR years – one that actually has meaning: "You can't manage what you don't measure."

Continue Reading "Don't Panic: How many civilians has the U.S. killed in the War On Terror™?"

(Photo illustration by Andisheh Nouraee)

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Thursday, September 18, 2008

Don't Panic: Thailand's leader ousted

Posted By on Thu, Sep 18, 2008 at 1:53 PM

Thailand has a lot going for it. It's high on my list of 1,001 places to visit before I die(t).

The people seem very kind. At least the ones I've met.

Its economy is dynamic.

The food is amazing.

And based on a Google search, Thai ladyboys are considered among the most attractive women with penises in the entire world.

(Read More)

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Thursday, September 11, 2008

Don't Panic: What's next for the U.S. and Pakistan?

Posted By on Thu, Sep 11, 2008 at 2:24 PM

What's next for the United States and Pakistan now that Musharraf is gone?

Last month, I took my first vacation from writing this column in seven years.

Before I left, I asked one favor of the cosmos: Don't let any big-deal, easy-to-snark-about, world-affairs-type thingies happen while I'm away.

While I was gone, not only did Russia invade Georgia (the Stalin one, not the Rhett Butler one), but the United States and Iraq are negotiating major U.S. troop reductions and Pervez "The Perv" Musharraf quit Pakistan's presidency under threat of impeachment.

Screw you, too, cosmos.

(Read the rest)

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Friday, July 25, 2008

U.S. stiffs Iraqi allies

Posted By on Fri, Jul 25, 2008 at 3:57 PM

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Another mission accomplished.

The Washington Post reports today that the Bush Administration still isn't helping the estimated 25,000 Iraqis who risked their lives to help the U.S. invasion and occupation force.

The State Department cannot resettle in the United States about 25,000 Iraqi interpreters and other refugees who worked for the U.S.-led coalition over the next two years because of limits on the number of applications that can be reviewed, according to Deputy Secretary of State John D. Negroponte.

In February, CL published the story of Ahmad Ali, a Sunni Arab Iraqi translator targeted by Shi'ite death squads. Ali escaped Iraq's sectarian killing fields to start a new life in Doraville.

In the story, I noted that the U.S. accepted just 1,608 Iraqi refugees last year. Sweden, which is 1/33 the size of the United States, has managed to give refuge to more than 31,000 Iraqis since the U.S. invasion.

(Illustration by Jeremy Fuerst)

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Thursday, July 17, 2008

Bush the appeaser

Posted By on Thu, Jul 17, 2008 at 7:16 PM

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What a difference eight weeks make.

On May 15, President Bush mocked Americans who want diplomatic dialogue with Iran -- comparing them to appeasers who bargained with Hitler:

Some seem to believe that we should negotiate with the terrorists and radicals, as if some ingenious argument will persuade them they have been wrong all along. We have heard this foolish delusion before. As Nazi tanks crossed into Poland in 1939, an American senator declared: "Lord, if I could only have talked to Hitler, all this might have been avoided." We have an obligation to call this what it is -- the false comfort of appeasement, which has been repeatedly discredited by history.

Last night the U.K.'s Guardian newspaper announced the U.S. plans to open a diplomatic mission in Iran.

Why the about-face? Yo no se.

Maybe those Iranian missiles last week made a bigger impression on the White House than I thought.

Maybe President Bush finally realized that, when oil is at $140 per barrel, oil-addicted nations should try to avoid threatening to start war that could reduce the world's daily supply of oil by 40%.

Maybe Bush started reading my column.

Whatever happened, I can't imagine the McCain campaign is pleased with Bush's flip-flop.

McCainiacs can't attack Obama for wanting to talk with Iran when President Bush is opening diplomatic missions there.

Bush can do McCain a favor though and denounce himself as an appeaser.

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Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Iran is provocative. U.S. and Israel, not so much.

Posted By on Wed, Jul 9, 2008 at 6:09 PM

Iran test-fired several ballistic missiles today. The event prompted the following headline from Reuters:

Iran tests missiles, heightening tension with West

When Israel rehearsed air strikes on Iran last month, this was the headline:

Israel appears to rehearse Iran attack: report

The U.S. has two carrier battle groups within striking range of Iran and is currently holding exercise of Iran's southern coast. Here's the Reuters headline for that:

U.S. holds navy exercise after Iran comments on Gulf

So, you see, when two nuclear powers, the U.S. and Israel, rehearse preemptive military strikes on Iran, tensions are not heightened.

When Iran test-fires nine missiles, tensions are heightened.

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Monday, June 16, 2008

How generous

Posted By on Mon, Jun 16, 2008 at 6:52 PM

From The Independent:

Saudi Arabia will raise oil production to record levels within weeks in an attempt to avert an escalation of social and political unrest around the world . . . the Saudis will be pumping an extra half-a-million barrels of oil a day compared to last month, bringing total Saudi production to 9.7 million barrels a day,"

Let's see:

500,000 barrels per day

x $140 per barrel

x 365 days

= The Saudi royal family has just promised to boost its oil revenue at an annual rate of approximately $25.6 billion.

But they're doing it to avert social and political unrest, not for the money.

Forgive me, Saudi royal family, if I neglect to mail you a thank you note.

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Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Another mission accomplished!

Posted By on Wed, Jun 11, 2008 at 4:09 PM

From Healing Iraq:

During the five years the United States has occupied Iraq, the Bush administration has created a new state with a number of notable features: A venal, dysfunctional government. A terrorist haven and training ground. A nation so violent and dangerous that 10 percent of the population has fled.

Add to that a new hallmark: Nearly the most corrupt nation on Earth. Only two states out of 180, Somalia and Burma, outrank Iraq in Transparency International's latest worldwide corruption index.

Read more

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Thursday, June 5, 2008

'Your recent craps'

Posted By on Thu, Jun 5, 2008 at 1:39 PM

I don't usually reprint e-mails I receive. Then again, I don't usually get letters this funny:

From: "Faran Farani"

To: andisheh@creativeloafing.com

Date: Thu, 5 Jun 2008 05:06:30 +0100

Subject: Wish Granted

In one of your recent craps, that you managed to scribble incoherently since you were undoubtedly 'high' with cocaine and marijuana at the time, you wrote 'Pakistan has done everything to us except punching our moms and molesting our dogs'.....

Well, you chronic drug addict, your wish will be granted! Need anything else?

The recent crap to which Farani refers is here.

I'm tempted to scrap the column I'm working on and write another one this week about Pakistan.

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