End Days

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

The person who made the commercial for Atlanta's St. Patrick's Day Parade never wants you to sleep again

Posted By on Wed, Mar 7, 2012 at 12:48 PM

Ever wonder what it would look like if Irish eyes could really smile? How about if Irish eyes could tear apart your happiest memories with their teeth, masticate your soul and/or spit on your grave? No? Huh. Well, you're about to find out anyway, thanks to whoever made this minute-long commercial for Atlanta's St. Paddy's Day Parade. I promise you won't look like this after you watch it.

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Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Forget that M.L. guy — Atlanta has a new King

Posted By on Wed, Feb 1, 2012 at 5:05 PM

Sorry if there are errors in this post, but it's difficult to blog whilst genuflecting.

Join me, dear reader, in welcoming our new King, New Birth Baptist Church bishop and gay-sex-scandal-haver Eddie Long. See, a Rabbi named Ralph Messer came to New Birth last Sunday, gave Long some holocaust scrolls, had his underlings hoist him in the air, and declared him king. Sound confusing? IT IS.

This video is 14 minutes long. If you have 14 minutes, I recommend watching the whole thing. Otherwise, fast forward to the five minute mark (roughly) and try to wrap your mind around what's happening/why so many people go to this church if this is what goes on there/etc.

Because my Sunday mornings are reserved for witchcraft, Satan™ worship and occasionally performing puppet shows for sick children at a local hospital (don't worry, you've never heard of it), I don't attend church with any regularity. But, this isn't normal, right?

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Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Atlanta man knows when Jesus is coming!

Posted By on Tue, Jan 17, 2012 at 2:18 PM

Jesus is all, Ill be back, and we laugh even though Terminator jokes are so 1985
  • Jesus is all, "I'll be back," and we laugh even though Terminator jokes are so 1985
I delete most of the press releases I receive via email. Then, every once in a while, I get one that's so important I begin imagining what would've happened had I reflexively deleted it, beads of sweat develop on my brow and upper lip, my heart races, and I'm left with no choice but to lock myself in a bathroom stall with a handgun and a bottle of Popov vodka to reflect on things. Seriously, what would I have done if I hadn't found out that Atlanta resident Robert Y. Jackson wrote a book that kind of-sort of explains when Jesus will return to Earth?
ATLANTA, Ga. — When will Jesus return to Earth? It’s a question that has haunted believers for centuries, especially because popular teaching says that only God is privy to this information. Several years ago, Robert Jackson, a devout Christian, decided it was time for an in-depth discussion of what Scripture says in answer to this question.

After practicing his family tradition of studying Bible prophecy for more than six decades, Jackson put his knowledge of the Scripture to paper in his new prophetic book, "Jesus — When is He Coming?" The book thoroughly examines Bible prophecies and examples, as well as other popular beliefs, to reveal when Scripture indicates Jesus will return.

Here's a thought, Robert Y. Jackson: What if Jesus wanted this to be a secret? Like, he's spent YEARS planning this really cool party for us and you're the big blabber mouth who ruins the surprise, so now when he switches on the lights and jumps out from behind the sofa, we're all going to have to flinch and act like it was all so unexpected. I'm already so annoyed for him.

Jackson pooh-poohs this idea (shoutily):

[Jesus] spoke of His return saying, "But of the day and hour no one knows, not even the angels in heaven, NOR THE SON, but only the Father." (Mark 13: 32). That indeed was true at the time Jesus said it; however, shortly after His resurrection He said something else that changed the situation concerning the knowledge of His return. He then said, "ALL AUTHORITY has been given to Me in heaven and on earth." (Matthew 28: 18). Since Jesus now has ALL AUTHORITY in heaven and earth, it's inconceivable that He Himself no longer knows when He will come for His church ... BELIEVERS ARE NOT IN DARKNESS ABOUT WHEN JESUS IS COMING. His return doesn't have to be a surprise to His Church.

AH. OK. So one of you guys buy and read this (only $7.99 for the ebook!) and let me know when I can expect Jesus. Just so I can straighten up the apartment and stuff.

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Monday, December 12, 2011

Rogue pecan collectors on the loose in Old Fourth Ward

Posted By on Mon, Dec 12, 2011 at 8:42 AM

Be on the lookout! Old Fourth Ward neighbors say a quirky breed of forager — the dreaded pecan collector — has emerged in the vibrant neighborhood.

One resident last week called the police after he or she noticed a stranger throwing branches into a pecan tree in the yard of his neighbor. From to an email to the O4W message board:

[My neighbor] wasn't home and he was going as far as to throw large branches up into the tree to knock down more pecans. When the cop asked him if he had permission he said that it didn't really matter because if they weren't home no one would know he had ever even been there. The cop had to explain over and over again the notion of trespassing.

Just beware. The man didn't seem dangerous, but he was explaining that there is an active market for pecans at the moment, and he seemed like he will try it again if you have an easily accessible pecan tree.

Other neighbors reported similar incidents involving completely different people. Pecanne Log, Atlanta's foremost expert on the nuts — or are they drupes? — could not be reached for comment to explain why pecans have become the new gold.

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Monday, November 14, 2011

Deadline to sign up for city's free job fair ends today

Posted By on Mon, Nov 14, 2011 at 10:16 AM

On Tuesday, the city will hold a free job fair at the Boisfeuillet Jones Atlanta Civic Center filled with more than 70 businesses who say they're looking to fill nearly 1,500 positions.

The event is part of Hire One, a joint program between Mayor Kasim Reed, the city, the Atlanta Business Chronicle and Atlanta-area employers that "aims to get business leaders off the fence, hiring from the unemployment ranks and taking an active role in the future of our economy." Businesses expected to participate include Georgia Power, Home Depot, Sun Trust Bank, Turner Broadcasting, MARTA, Hyatt Regency, Manpower, ADT Security and Starbucks, among others.

But there's a catch: To attend the fair, you have to register. Do so here.

People who register for the job fair will be given three time slots to choose from: 9 a.m.-11 a.m., 11 a.m.-1 p.m. and 2 p.m.-4 p.m. Be sure to print a copy of your ticket.

You've got until 5 p.m. today to register or until all slots have been filed. If you're unable to snag a time, the city says, you can submit your resume at an on-site checkpoint.

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Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Local deer loves Taco Mac as much as frat boys do

Posted By on Tue, Nov 8, 2011 at 1:22 PM

It's a Sunday afternoon, and you and your ladyfriend want some chicken wings and beer to go with your Falcons game. "Hey, hon," you say, "How 'bout Taco Mac? They have beer and chicken wings and also televisions for watching Falcons games." Perfect!

You get there, and you're all, like, "Table for two, please miss" AND THEN A DEER EXPLODES THROUGH A PLATE GLASS WINDOW. This is a thing that really happened in Alpharetta ...

Things this deer and I have in common: We really love chicken wings. And our all-time favorite movie is Furry Vengeance starring Brendan Fraser.

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Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Would you believe alligators are stalking the sewers of Cabbagetown?

Posted By on Tue, Oct 11, 2011 at 2:52 PM

The economy is crumbling. Civil unrest is reaching a fever pitch. Prehistoric fucking reptiles are overtaking our urban sewer systems. So, it's official ... IT IS TIME TO PANIC.

Well, the first couple things are true (and you should still totally panic). The last one, not so much.

Little's Food Store in Cabbagetown got us good. About an hour ago, the following image of an 11-foot, razor-toofed gator showed up on their Facebook page, part of the album "Nasty beast pulled up from the sewers under Carroll Street" (note the Melvin Gallery sign) ...

Big. Ass. Gator.
  • Big. Ass. Gator.

I called Little's to figure out whether or not I need to start walking the streets wearing mesh armor and carrying a bowie knife. First hint it was a hoax: the lady who picked up the phone had no idea what I was talking about when I told her I was calling about the gator. Alas, a guy named Brad had a good chuckle as he explained the pic WAS taken in Cabbagetown, but the gator was actually killed by his buddy (for sport, legally) about a week ago over in Screven County, a place where I assume gator maulings are common and go unreported for the most part.

It's safe to assume your unrest, civilians.

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Saturday, October 8, 2011

The occupation of Woodruff Park: Morning One

Posted By on Sat, Oct 8, 2011 at 12:48 PM

Occupy Atlanta camped out in Woodruff Park
  • Gwynedd Stuart
  • THE MORNING AFTER: Occupy Atlanta camped out in Woodruff Park

Things got off to kind of a rough start during the general assembly last night — seriously, "true democracy" is exhausting — but a consensus was eventually reached, and Occupy Atlanta's occupation of Woodruff Park began at 11 p.m.

The primary concern voiced by members of assembly prior to the vote was the legality — rather, illegality — of the occupation. There are city ordinances that prevent people from urban camping, and a member of Occupy Atlanta's legal team explained that no budget existed for bail and no lawyers had been secured to defend anyone who might be hauled off to jail.

Still, a few dozen people set up tents and spent the night. And, Marlon, a member of Occupy Atlanta's "process team," told CL this morning that the cops didn't break-up their campout.

"The cops didn't really fuck with us," Marlon said, explaining Atlanta Police officers hung around for a while, but left at midnight.

This morning, tents were still set up and large groups of occupiers were mostly seated in circles talking. A food table featuring juice, peanut butter and bread, a pineapple, and other odds-and-ends was set up, and volunteers were walking around collecting donations for more food. So far, they'd collected about $120.

Asked if the occupation would be indefinite, Marlon snickered. "I don't know. That's not for me to decide" — all of Occupy Atlanta's decisions have to be made by consensus. He added, "I don't have any plans to leave."

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Thursday, September 29, 2011

Metro Atlanta leads country in job losses

Posted By on Thu, Sep 29, 2011 at 9:53 AM

Job seekers searching for employment at a job fair at the Georgia World Congress Center.
  • Joeff Davis/CL File
  • Job seekers searching for employment at a job fair at the Georgia World Congress Center.
Ah, metro Atlanta. The land of opportunity. From the AJC's Dan Chapman:

Metro Atlanta shed 30,800 jobs since August 2010. Kansas City — 12,800 positions erased — was the closest competitor in job-losses. Nearly all of Atlanta’s peer metro areas added at least some jobs amid the slow economic recovery.

The figures add to a growing sense that Atlanta has experienced a Lost Decade. The Great Recession and its aftermath have obliterated the mid-decade’s huge job and wealth gains that put Atlanta atop the New South economic pedestal. The Atlanta region, for example, notched 2,237,100 jobs last month — almost exactly the same amount as in early 2002.

Of equal concern are the types of jobs — telecomm, trade, utilities, leisure — being lost across the 28-county Atlanta region. Report after report the last few years has documented the evaporation of construction and financial industry jobs. But business leaders and economists wring their hands whenever white collar jobs fade away.

“Out of almost 400 metropolitan areas, we’re dead last and nobody is competing with us for that distinction,” said Chris Cunningham, a BLS statistician in Atlanta. “It’s pretty bad and it has been the same story for the last two, three years.”

Now please excuse us while we siphon gas from our co-workers' cars and steal candy bars from the vending machine.

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Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Earthquake tremors felt in Atlanta?

Posted By on Tue, Aug 23, 2011 at 2:21 PM

Anyone else feel tremors possibly related to an 5.8-magnitude earthquake that shook the Washington, D.C. area shortly before 2 p.m.?

According to an email from Fourth Ward Alliance President Kit Sutherland, some rattles at 1:55 p.m. caused "enough movement to cause artwork to shake on the walls, pendant lights to sway, plants to sway, doors to rattle, etc." Facebook posts are now popping up, phones are ringing, etc. (Beware of attention seekers who didn't feel anything and merely want to say they survived the Great Atlanta Quake™, a phrase we've already trademarked.)

Our office is located right next to train tracks, so we're used to rumbling.

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