What did Apple expect when they hired Samuel L. Jackson and Zooey Deschanel for an idiotic ad campaign in which the celebrities appear dressed down in "everyday mode," and where we are supposed to believe they talk with their iPhone like it's a personal assistant?

What follows are the best Web responses:

Early this week, the world was given a gift in the form of a lawsuit accusing John Travolta of sexually battering a male massage therapist and of having "wirey and unkempt" pubic hair (there's also hamburger-making and erection-bouncing — a hell of a read through and through).

Shortly after that suit was made public, another alleged victim of Travolta's inappropriate massage-boner-hijinks came forward, this one from Atlanta. Here are some NSFW (Nice & Sexy For Work) excerpts from the second man's suit:

On the morning of the massage Travolta had "a strange demeanor, bloodshot eyes and climbed onto the already setup massage table...Travolta removed the entire sheet from his body, and he claimed the sheets were sticky and could not tolerate the heat...Travolta further indicated that he likes a lot of "Glutes" work meaning a massage on his buttocks...While he was massaging near Travolta's buttocks area, Travolta would open his legs and spread his butt cheeks open and had a full erection and would maneuver in a way to try to force Doe Plaintiff No. 2 to touch his anus and around his anus."

As the massage came to an end "Travolta suddenly turned on his stomach with his legs wide open with a full erection. He then tried to force Doe Plaintiff No. 2's hand on Travolta's scrotum. Then, Travolta started to grab, rub and caress Doe Plaintiff no. 2's upper thighs and buttocks....Travolta still had an erection and wanted his abdominals done, but Travolta's erection was in the way and he refused to have his penis covered by a sheet of a pillow case cover...Travolta started masturbating about 15 minutes left in the session, and Doe Plaintiff No.2, said he had to go," the docs state.

Oy vey. Or whatever Scientologists say. The first masseur's case doesn't look like it'll go anywhere because Travolta was able to produce flight plans and receipts that indicate he was in New York at the time, not L.A. as the man — sorry, John Doe #1 — had claimed. But Travolta was for sure in Atlanta filming when the second alleged incident took place AND sources say (to Perez Hilton pffrt) that there's surveillance footage showing Travolta going into the spa the day after the incident and looking for the masseur again. There's also apparently an email stream in which the masseur complains to his employers about Travolta's conduct.

I hope you feel as bad about reading this post as I do about writing it. After the jump, a photo of an L. Ron Hubbard buttplug.

• A really awful book with no discernable value is being banned for libraries

Here are the things I found most shocking:
— That it is a book that was written by an adult person, not a seventh grader.
— That literary executives got together and said, "Hey. Let's print millions of copies of this."
— That millions of people are buying those copies. And millions more are being sold digitally.

I know this isn't a thing that hasn't already been said, but the book is fucking tripe. It's about college-age virgin Anastasia Steele meeting and becoming entangled with a sexy, rich, older man and sadomasochist named Christian Grey. We didn't make it to a lot of the BDSM stuff, but during the couple's first sexual encounter, Anastasia — who reveals she's never masturbated — has an orgasm. I'm not saying that never happens, but that never happens. Words and phrases are frequently repeated throughout the book — how many times can Christian "quirk his mouth up into a half-smile?" Or "press his mouth into a hard line?" — which is weird because it simultaneously seems like James was writing with a lot of help from thesaurus.com. ("What's your father like, Anastasia?" "He's ... taciturn.")

The lawsuit accusing John Travolta of sexual assault is written with more panache.

Anyway, some libraries in Florida and Georgia are refusing to carry the book and the subsequent books in the trilogy, Gwinnett County Public Library among them. Here's what Deborah George, the county's director of library materials, had to say about their reasoning: “We do not collect erotica at Gwinnett County Public Library. That’s part of our materials management collection policy. So, E L James’ three books in the trilogy fit that description."

Other libraries have cited the fact that the book is "too poorly written."

Poorly written is an understatement. And "erotica" is too generous. If people are forced to read something else, ANYTHING ELSE — Nora Roberts, V.C. Andrews, Danielle Fucking Steel — because they couldn't get their hands on a copy of "Fifty Shades of Grey," they'll be better off for it.

BUT. Library managers aren't book critics, nor are they a moral authority. Just carry a copy of the fucking book (literallllllly) and wait for the craze to die.

Children's author Maurice Sendak passed away this morning at age 83 due to complications of a stroke. As we mourn the loss of a great illustrator, we also have the opportunity to reflect upon the man's life and work and general distaste for humanity, Newt Gingrich in particular.

In this January interview with Stephen Colbert, Sendak says lots of hilarious and curmudgeonly things, but really shines when he notes, "Newt Gingrich is an idiot of great renown. There is something so hopelessly gross and vile about him ... let's not take him seriously." Also: “I didn’t set out to make children happy or make life better for them or easier for them…I like them as few and far between as I do adults. Maybe a bit more because I really don’t like adults at all, frankly.”

You'll be missed, Maurice.

• Naomi Prindiville
• Do you drink beer out of the pitcher? You might be an almost alcoholic

A new book argues that there is something called an "almost alcoholic," which is described like so:

The first book ... outlines the key signs that someone might be suffering from almost alcoholism, such as drinking despite negative consequences, looking forward to drinking, drinking alone and drinking to blunt emotional or physical pain.

This was sent to me by someone who said, and I quote: "Doesn't that paragraph sound exactly like you?"

In a related note: I just found this happy hour Atlanta site. Score!