I got an email late last week from the owner of a vintage movie theater in Jacksonville, Fla. (it's called Sun-Ray Cinema — very much like our Plaza Theatre, but with beer and food). Apparently, after they put "Safety Not Guaranteed" on their marquee, a local news station came a'knockin' to talk about the "statement" he was trying to make. Here's what Sun-Ray owner Tim Massett wrote on Facebook:
Small crew was out front just now and they wanted to talk to me about my marquee. I said ... O.K.... why? Well you know the message that you have on it. What message? That we are playing 'Magic Mike' and 'Safety Not Guaranteed?' Oh .. you thought I was making some sort of comment regarding the shootings in Colorado? UM ... NOOO you Sicko. 'Safety Not Guaranteed' is the name of a new comedy we are opening today.
So goofy. I'd say, "Only in Florida," except I'm sure misunderstandings like these are happening lots of places right about now.
Good news! Travel + Leisure has published another bullshit Top 20 list based on an online survey of its readers' broad generalizations and vague notions about various U.S. cities!
Bad news! A National magazine is telling everyone that you dress like shit!
Good news! As I mentioned above, lists like these are bullshit and basically just serve as link bait for T+L! But, c'mon, let's not kid ourselves. We like complaining about them. And the people who write about them. Go to town in the comments, guys.
So, T+L readers decided that Atlanta is the seventh worst-dressed city in the country. What was this presumption based upon? Did they all visit Anchorage, Alaska — the No. 1 worst dressed city — and notice an especially egregious number of really poorly dress people? Or are they just assuming that people in Anchorage don't dress very fashionably because it's Alaska and everyone wears overalls made of animal pelts? I don't know. Neither does T + L, really. That's actually one of the most fun parts of these exercises, watching a young magazine writer just crawl inside the damp, hollow confines of her readership's collective consciousness only to end up making assumptions about its inner workings. Par exemple:
If the flashy reality-TV stars of The Real Housewives of Atlanta are at all indicative of how the rest of Atlanta dresses, it’s no wonder our readers ranked it as America’s No. 7 least-stylish city. Hotlanta has one of the highest per capita incomes of any southern city, but as the TV show illustrates and the saying goes: money can’t buy taste.
Yes. You're right. An entire city looks, dresses, and behaves exactly like the handful of women on a reality television show. Money can't buy taste. Nor can it make you a hipster. But it CAN buy you a subscription to T+L! Just a dollar a month to find out how much your city sucks dick! Thanks for the offer, guys!
A Cobb County woman has a warning after trying to protect her skin cost her an electronic book reader.
Jodi Brookfield said the chemicals in her spray sunscreen damaged her Nook e-reader.
She said she used the spray on her vacation but later realized it ate away at the device, right where she picked it up.
NOT THE NOOK. Let cancer eat away my flesh, but DEAR GOD, spare the Nook. Could this mean we have to start reading actual books and magazines at the pool? Let me just saddle up my dinosaur while I'm at it.
Seriously, though. If sunscreen can eat away the plastic on the back of an electronic device, what can it do to your skin? Tune in later to find out how unsafe you are no thanks to the things that are trying to save you ...
Watch Channel 2 Action News at 4 to find out what experts also had to say about the effects of sunscreen on skin.
Anyway, until I can figure out the radio without getting so flustrated I just burst into tears, I have to rely on my male coworkers to keep me abreast. Apparently, I missed a pretty appropriate conversation this morning on Q100's The Bert Show, during which lady co-hosts Kristin and Wendy agreed that a woman would make a piss-poor president because women are, by their very nature, emotional rather than logical. Also, women in the military shouldn't serve on the front lines alongside Kristin's brother because it would make her uncomfortable.
Waaaaait a minute. Are they going so far as to say illogical things to prove that women are illogical? And are they intentionally upsetting women to prove that women are too emotional? WELL PLAYED, because my obvious reaction to hearing Kristin and Wendy's deep thoughts: pure rage and dysphoria. Which goes to show that — fuck — I'm too emotional. Too emotional to write for a newspaper, certainly. Back to the kitchen I go. Not to cook, just to lie there and sob. And, alright, while I'm down there, I'll do the floors. Whilst listening to this. Take it away, Whitney ...
Today's headline via WSBTV: "Woman duped into buying fake iPads, laptop"
Nope. Uh uh. I'm sorry, but here's how this headline should read: "Woman gets what she deserves for being an idiot and also being OK with buying potentially stolen merchandise from criminals"
The all too familiar story:
[A] Lilburn woman, who requested anonymity, said it happened two weeks ago when she was pumping gas at a Quicktrip on Oakbrook Parkway. She said two men approached her car waving real iPads and laptops and promised a big discount. She ended up buying fake iPads from the back of their car.
Gwinnett police showed [reporter Kerry] Kavanaugh the purchases, which were wrapped in bubble tape. What she thought were iPads were pieces of glass lined with black duct tape. The fake laptop was a three-ring binder stuffed with paper.
You know when people get robbed whilst attempting to buy drugs and then they report the theft to police? Then we laugh — because, really, how stupid or drug addled does a person have to be to tip the cops off to their own criminal behavior — and the druggie goes to jail?
Now think about it: Isn't this story pretty similar?
You know why people break into homes to steal TVs, DVD players and laptops? Because there's a market for them, a market that consists of people who don't give a shit where the goods they buy on street corners and in parking lots come from or how they were acquired, as long as they're cheap. Anonymous iPad purchaser said the men told her they were Best Buy employees selling "overstock" items. And this is a thing that seemed legit to her. Translation: I really didn't care where the stuff was coming from, I just really wanted some high-dollar electronics I couldn't otherwise afford.
So, poor, poor Lilburn lady got ripped off. Good. Bet she won't buy electronics — genuine or not — from shitheads in a parking lot ever again.
These are not the actions or beliefs of an intelligent person!
But Napier's lack of smarts was most apparent when she attempted — and publicly! — to defend her ignorance. Here are the two really poorly thought out arguments she presented upon being released from jail on Wednesday ...
Defense #1: I could not say no to a child who wanted to permanently mark his young flesh because the permanent mark was meaningful.
“My son came to me and said, ‘Mom, I want to get a tattoo with Malik on it, rest in peace.’
What do I say to a child who wants to remember his brother?” Napier said. “It’s not like he was asking me, ‘Can I get Sponge Bob? Like people getting all kinds of things on them. He asked me something that’s in remembrance of his brother. How can I say no?”
Yes. Two years ago, Gaquan's older brother was killed by a teen driver in Macon. The family is grieving. Maybe mom still isn't thinking straight. But, c'maaaaaaan. "How can I say no?" You just fucking say no, lady.
Yesterday, the Georgia Department of Agriculture released a 189-page study about the ways in which immigration reform legislation has affected farm labor — a study that was actually mandated by HB 87, Georgia's controversial immigration reform legislation.
From September through December, GDA researchers — with the help of researchers from Georgia State and the USDA — surveyed and met with farmers in 138 of the state's 159 counties to figure out how the agriculture industry has been impacted by potential labor shortages and the like. Well, the study determined that immigration reform is having an impact on agriculture — "but results are inconclusive."
"As a result," the report says, "additional research should be repeated in 2012."
The researchers even mock themselves a little bit for the typically and predictably ambiguous findings:
“More research is needed.” Researchers are often criticized for including this statement in almost every study or report. The Department [of Agriculture] gathered the data in this study over the period of seven months. In order to serve the needs of decision makers, additional research is needed to understand the complexity of agriculture labor in Georgia. Research should include but not be limited to tracking employment
patterns, crop production cycles, labor needs by commodity and worker concerns.
The benefits of additional research will provide the state with a central repository of unbiased
agriculture labor data, the capability to measure impacts of labor programs, and the ability to respond
to future policy needs of the state.
Here's the "Report on Agriculture Labor: As required by House Bill 87" in its entirety.
Let's cut to the chase with this jaw-dropping statement by state Rep. Judy Manning of Marietta:
“I think Mitt Romney is a nice man, but I’m afraid of his Mormon faith. It’s better than a Muslim. Of course, every time you look at the TV these days you find an ad on there telling us how normal they are. So why do they have to put ads on the TV just to convince us that they’re normal if they are normal? … If the Mormon faith adhered to a past philosophy of pluralism, multi-wives, that doesn’t follow the Christian faith of one man and one woman, and that concerns me.”
Plus, if you try to say "Normal Mormon" five times fast, it's very difficult. You just can't do it. Shouldn't that tell you something?
Funny thing is, when I worked at the MDJ, Manning seemed like one of the most moderate and level-headed of Cobb's many loopy pols. I was a little surprised when she, like many Republicans with seniority — Manning is now a seven-term veteran — was passed over for a leadership position when her party took control of the House. But then I never had occasion to probe her views on religious tolerance.
So, if not the Mormon infidel, who does she think should be president? Why, Gingrich, of course:
“He doesn’t walk on water, and he’s made some mistakes, and there are things about probably each one of the candidates that I’d say are not perfect. Nobody is. But when you look at the candidates all lined up, and the pros and the cons, I personally think Newt is the man that will lead us into the brightest future of the United States of America for everybody.”
And how do the MDJ's mostly conservative readers feel about Manning's remarks? Here's a sampling:
"Judy Manning's comments concerning Mitt Romney's faith demonstrate that she is unfit to hold office herself. What she doesn't seem to understand is that we are a secular nation, that we believe in freedom of conscience, and no matter what faith a person holds, as long as that person swears allegiance to support, defend and preserve the Constitution first, that is what matters. I am definitely not a Romney supporter, but to inject his religion into the debate, especially when he hasn't made it an issue, is despicable. Perhaps Manning should take some time and read the Constitution and case law, and read up on the history of this country."
And my fave:
"Judy Manning needs a better PR person. This article makes her look totally ignorant. Maybe she is."
HAPPY NEW YEAR, ATLANTA.
According to a story in today's Marietta Daily Journal, a member of the city school board balked at news that all students would be tested for physical fitness after Christmas, in compliance with the Georgia Student Health and Physical Education Act passed by state lawmakers in 2009.
Board Member Randy Weiner complained that fat kids don't need to be called out:
“It seems like it’s a way to rub parents’ noses in the fact that their child is overweight, out of shape and what have you. If they’re good parents, they already know it, so it doesn’t seem very useful. It’s a way for the state to collect data, that’s why this is mandated.”
Weiner went on to say the program seems an unnecessary intrusion by government into people's lives.
Hmm. I don't know if Weiner's a Republican, but since he's a Marietta politician, chances are good that he is. Does he not remember the President's Council on Physical Fitness during the '80s, when then-Pres. Reagan mandated that every boy and girl in America would be embarrassed in gym class by being scored in running, pull-ups and other humiliations? If this program was good enough for the Gipper, it should be good enough for some freakin' small-town school board member. That's all I'm sayin'.
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