I LOL'd when I read Besha's food feature this week about Ron Eyester and his Tweets about restaurant customers. I had planned today to write a post about the agony of my friend Andrew's life as a waiter in a fine-dining restaurant. (We've talked for months about writing a diagnostic manual of psychoses suffered by restaurant diners.)
I ran into Andrew last week with steam hissing out of his ears. It seems one of his customers had written a highly critical and stupid "review" of him on Open Table, the popular reservations site that also urges users to post comments about the restaurant after their meals.
Andrew is meticulous and well-mannered, to say the least. He might even qualify for an obsessive-compulsive diagnosis himself. His anger finally erupted in a lengthy Facebook thread after working a brunch shift. I've sampled the thread below. Brunch haters, read on. (And his capital letters are calculated to annoy, of course.)
ANDREW: I HATE BRUNCH. I HATE PEOPLE WHO GO TO BRUNCH. I HATE PEOPLE WHO GO TO BRUNCH IN RESTAURANTS WHOSE DINNER MENUS THEY CANNOT AFFORD BECAUSE THE BRUNCH MENU IS CHEAPER ACCESS. ALSO, I HATE PEOPLE WHO DON'T TELL THEIR WAITER THEY HAVE THEATER TICKETS UNTIL 15 MINUTES BEFORE CURTAIN. NOTHING GOOD COMES OF BRUNCH. IT'S THE ABSOLUTE LIMIT OF BOURGEOIS BANALITY. YES, ANYONE OF ANY SUBSTANCE WHATSOEVER IS AT HOME SLEEPING.
GLADYS: whew! datz alotta hate'n goin' down! take an aspirin (wink) and put your feet up, guuurl and thank you! what would the world be without such awesome waiters? muah!
ANDREW: ALSO I DON'T CARE IF YOU HAVE GLUTEN SENSITIVITY OR ARE ALLERGIC TO PEANUTS, DAIRY, OR GARLIC. THE ESOTERIC STYLE IN WHICH YOU WOULD LIKE YOUR EGGS RENDERED DOES NOT CONCERN ME.
ERICA: This gluten thing is getting out of hand. Celiac disease is really very rare (the illness in which one must avoid gluten). Now everyone thinks they have it. Remind me to tell you "the Tortilla Story" from the Piedmont ER.
CHICO: I'm not a brunch person, either. There is a lack of common sense which is disturbing - if you have theater tickets then figure out what time you need to be there and work it out. Tell the waiter or host BEFORE you sit down or look and see how busy the place is.
ANDREW: MADAME DOES NOT CARE FOR WINE TONIGHT BUT INSTEAD PREFERS TWO GLASSES OF ICEWATER WITH LEMON ARRANGED SYMMETRICALLY AROUND MADAME'S PLATE AT ELEVEN O'CLOCK AND ONE O'CLOCK? EXCELLENT! AND A SIDE OF PROZAC AS WELL?
GUNAR: what a bitter bitchy queen! i had a great brunch today. alone!
ANDREW: Well, I'll tell you, Gunar. People who know me know I like to play with words & ideas, that I am often tongue-in-cheek, prone to irony, satire, and sarcasm. The FB content I generate reflects as much. The title of this post is, informally, "WAITERS ON THE VERGE OF A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN." It's comedy. But one thing I would probably not do is introduce myself by way of chiming into the thread of a friend of a friend I've never met before with little more to contribute than an insult.
CARISSA: A year ago i took a picture of a bartender wearing a t-shirt that said "Brunch is for assholes" - its pretty funny, i will post it.
GUNAR: i do dislike the term "Brunch", but this is what many city folk do. think of all the revenue lost to restaurants and staff, especially waiters, if this timed meal wasn't so popular. Matthew's comment caught my eye. i say if a waiter is so on edge and on the "verge of a nervous breakdown", best for him to get out, move on and save hundreds of people from being affected by his bitchy attitude. whether it be in words or silent behavior. i have gone as far to tell these unfortunates that i came to the restaurant for Food Not Attitude! but as you mention this is your form of comedy and a miserable waiter's perspective is ripe for numerous comedic snippets. once again, sorry for chiming in with my honest response.
DARREN: Brunch hates you too, peasant!
EDIBERTO: I have never had brunch. What does that make me? Or in other words, is there a status below peasant?
(Check out photographer Carissa Pelleteri's website.)
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