Wednesday, February 16, 2011

"Top Chef" All-stars: OMG EVERYONE PIMPING TARGET!!!

Posted By on Wed, Feb 16, 2011 at 11:36 PM

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Could any show ever pimp any commercial interest any more? I mean I know it's television and stuff but this just seems insane. The whole SHOW was one big Target pimp. Let's see how that went for old Target, shall we?

But first, the puppets. Carla didn't manage to fulfill her fate and secure a spot alongside her fellow Muppets or puppets or whatever. Instead she made mediocre cookies while other people made decent cookies and Dale put potato chips in cookies because he is determined this week to prove to everyone that he smokes more pot than any other person who has ever cooked anything. His Elmo showdown was amusing. I do wanna see Dale curse at Elmo. Oh lord do I wanna see that.

So, ho-hum, here's this commercial break, and uh...what's this?

OMG KEVIN PIMPING TARGET!!!! OMG!!!!!

OMG ELI & KEVIN PIMPING CRAP LOOKING NON STICK TARGET PANS!!!!

Once again, Richard with his goodness and terrible ice cream disks and his shouting out of his kid and his totally awesomely non-sore-loser quip about Cookie Monster...you can't help but heart him.

Dale even managed to be cute with his quickfire win. Dude...this was aaawwesomee. Tee he. Cookies. Chips. Drugs.

And on to the Elimination Challenge...OMG PADMA PIMPING TARGET WITH AN AWKWARD SUSTAINED MONOLOGUE ABOUT TARGET!!

As the chefs flail around the isles of Target, picking up all that crap, crap that you can never make it out of Target without buying (seriously, I could have kicked this challenge's ASS - I go into Target for milk and come out with more than double the crap they each got), it becomes clear that the Isabella Angelo bromance is ON. Which is so disturbing to me for some reason. These are desperate men at this point, crying out for help.

And then we realize the magnitude of the cooking portion of the challenge. No flames? What, Target doesn't sell Viking stoves? FAIL TARGET, FAIL!!!!!!

As they started cooking, it became obvious that Tiffany's jambalaya is not a Top Chef level dish. Neither is Isabella's. Neither is Angelo's. Or Carla's. Send em all home. Finals already.

In come the judges, looking pissed and tired, Padma even more Novocaine-faced than usual, Bourdain even more haggard than usual, Tom somehow maintaining his sprightly baldy impishness (his secret? He's an alien. Heard it here first). Isabella tries to woo them with his shmoozy "and uh, a little fresh coconut milk" bullcrap than exists on menus around the world written by chefs like him (fresh, housemade, specialty), but paralysis-face over there calls him on it which reveals that there are NO FRESH COCONUTS AT TARGET???!!! FAIL TARGET!!!

Then Tiffany's going oh, man, for some reason I'm nervous about this. Maybe because her dish sucks? It's so weird she doesn't even know that by this stage in the competition. She baffles me.

On second watch of the Target commercials (the actual ones, not the hour long one), Kevin's hair looks so weird. Like his beard is ultra red and his hair is ultra dark and it makes him look way older than he is (which is like, 3, by the way). Like he's going gray and has to use crappy beard dye. But he probs made some ungodly amount of money to sell his beard, I mean soul, so whatevs. That's cool.

Judges table. Did you know that sleep deprivation has roughly the same affect on people as hallucinogens? I enjoyed this immensely - it was like watching a bunch of people tripping balls try to make sense. Neither the judges or Dale could talk. Then tears. Isabella's delirious high fives. Hilarious.

And the stoner takes it! Aw Dale. $25K will buy you a lot of chips. And chocolate. And weed.

With everyone at the "I love you man" stage of fucked-upedness, I understand why it got so emotional. But really, the judges shouldn't feel so bad. They all sucked. I think the only thing this challenge proved is that it's near impossible to cook anything edible if you shop for food at Target.

I imagine Angelo wandering the isles of Target, weeping. This is his fate. Forever wandering (TARGET!!!!), forever weeping.

Oh Jesus. Butter wrestling next week.

Peeps are dropping like flies in our competition. Who's left?

Foodgeek: Blais, Dale and Carla

brittj8585: Blais, Dale, and Antonia

JMF: Tiffany, Carla and Blais

Carol: Blais, Dale, & Tiffany

Jonnymack1: Dale, Carla and Tiffany

Kelleysue82, Martha, Julianne, James, and Tanner fell with Angelo. There are still some combos not accounted for (ie many non-Blais ones. Or any with Isabella. But who are we kidding?). Guess away in the comments.

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