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Thursday, February 24, 2011

"Top Chef" All-stars: Southern comfort

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So. A Southern challenge. Don't you kind of hate that the the South is portrayed to the rest of the world by the scariest human on the face of the universe? Thank god for John Besh later in the episode, but I wonder if anyone noticed his intelligence and class alongside that face, those teeth.

"I HAIS DEEP FRIED LASAGNAS! I HAIS DEEP FRIED BALLS-O-BUTTER!!" Make it stop. Please. Make it stop.

ISABELLA!!! OOOooooo. Isabellaaaa. Apart from the downright shadiness of stealing a dish from another chef, the chicken oyster is just so Blaisian, like nothing Isabella would ever cook. What is Isabella's style anyway?

And here come the rejects, standing sadly with their piles of dead fish, hating every minute of it, looking murderously at the smug faces of those still in the game. It's a particularly cruel part of the contract, the Bravo-owns-you-for-two-years clause, that brings these folks back to wallow in shame and passive aggressive "help."

However, the Blais Fabio bromance is my favorite of all time. It's grand, sprawling, epic, heart-wrenching. "You remind me of my ex wife." Have you ever heard more beautiful words? Their spat as the judges approached was heartbreaking. I shed a tear.

This was a hard elimination challenge to watch for anyone who has ever been in the weeds as a restaurant worker. Watching the look on Dale's face as he went down was like those dreams I still have of full dining rooms and POS systems that don't work and my dad who I haven't seen in years coming in and sitting down...ok ok, too much information.

I wish there had been more Marcel "White Shrimp" Vigneron in the episode to distract me from Isabella and his big head and his big teeth and his annoying goddamn face. ISABELLA!! Go home already, dude.

Instead he gets in the top three. Thank the lord he didn't win. Instead Richard gets a romantic vacation with his ex husband. So adorable. The two of them in Barbados, strolling the sand. I want pictures Blais! I will put them on my desk and blow kisses at y'all all day long.

An aside: the word "bravolebrity" makes me want to shoot myself in the face.

Elimination: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! Really. Dale is by far the best chef of those three, and all of those dishes sucked. The finale is worse for not having him. Yeah, yeah producers, Carla makes for great television. But really.

Once again, many of you fell with Dale. In fact, everyone fell...all we have left is JMF with Tiffany, Carla and Blais, and totm with Tiffany, Carla, and ISABELLA. I think the odds are wide open again at this point. Ladies and gentlemens - start your guessing.

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