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Tuesday, November 1, 2011

So, uh, 'Top Chef Texas' starts tomorrow night, huh?

Oh, joy.

I can barely contain myself. Whoopee. A new season of "Top Chef."

If you couldn't tell by the end of last season and my increasingly drunken and annoyed posts about the show, I am pretty much over "Top Chef." It's is arguably the best cooking competition on television, but that's not saying much. I'm sick of Padma's corpse-impersonating brand of sexiness (seriously, when a dude goes all hubba-hubba for Padma it makes me think he's a necrophile). I'm sick of the contrivance, the reliance on fake drama, the very small amount of time the contestants are given to just cook what they're good at cooking. I loathe the word cheftestant. Blarf.

However. Even I'll admit, there are a couple of reasons to watch this season. If you can handle all of the above mentioned reasons not to watch.

First, there's a new judge in town. Hugh Acheson, our very own unibrowed wonder, made such a good impression on Bravo when he was on "Top Chef Masters" that they brought him back on that show even thought he totally got kicked off. AND, they've now cast him, along with Emeril, as a new judge on the regular "Top Chef." Hugh will undoubtedly use his special brand of muppet-flavored Canadian smartassery to woo us all. You can read his bio here.

In terms of chefs who are also contestants and also have some relevance to us locationally, Whitney Otawka is on the show, which is important to me because I SAID LAST YEAR THAT SHE WAS A CHEF TO WATCH BEFORE ANYONE ELSE EVER KNEW WHO SHE WAS, IT WAS ME GODDAMN IT, MEEEEE!!!!! Ahem. Anyway, she's now left Cumberland Island to become the chef at Farm 255 in Athens. You can see her casting video here. I have to say, I find the way she says "welfare and such things," and "being evicted from homes and whatnot," kind of strange. Right? I guess when you say things like that about yourself (FOR THE WHOLE WORLD TO SEE FOR REALITY GODDAMN TELEVISION) it's tough, and you probably throw strange modifiers in there to compensate. Or something. Anyhoo, good luck Whitney!

The other Georgia chef is Janine Falvo who recently left California to come open a restaurant here that I've never heard of. Oh, that's because it's another hotel restaurant serving farm to table blah blah blah. Kidding, I have heard of it, I just didn't care. (Hold tight for review coming soon!)

You can view Janine's casting video here, where she talks about loving meat glue. She also uses a term I haven't heard before: Molocular...get it...liquid nitrogen plus organics...local plus molecular? HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. HA.

Wondering how Texas got a "Top Chef" season before, um, just about anywhere else? The state paid the show's producers $400,000 to come there. Awesome.

Here's the thing: I cancelled my cable. I've got no access to the show. So I can't force myself to drunkenly write about it. At least that's what I'm telling my boss! We'll see how that goes!

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