Monday, February 6, 2012

Beignet Hacker

Posted By on Mon, Feb 6, 2012 at 11:48 AM

Beignets at home, almost like the real thing!
  • Beignets at home, almost like the real thing!
If you've ever been drunk in New Orleans at 4am, there's a good chance you've hit up Café du Monde for beignets ... hot enough to melt your mouth, or at least peel off a few layers of mouth-roof-skin and prevent you from fully enjoying the next day's muffuletta ... loaded down with masses of powdered sugar sure to make you choke and blow a haze of white powder over all your equally drunk friends ... washed down with an admittedly kinda crappy chicory café au lait. Well, you can recreate that delirious New Orleans experience at home fairly easily. Here's the recipe:

New Orleans Beignets at Home

Ingredients:

8 Sazeracs
- or 1 pail of industrial strength Hurricane
- or 17 Abita Turbodogs

1/2 gallon canola oil
1 pack of Pillsbury buttermilk biscuit dough
Lots and lots of powdered sugar

Coffee, milk and sugar

How to do it:
First, drink the Sazeracs, over the period of approximately three hours while listening to very loud music in a dark room filled with sweaty people. If you prefer Hurricanes of the Pat O'Brien's variety, go for it. Be sure to puke outside against a wall before you proceed to the next step. Beer? Go with Abita Turbodog. Acutally, any Abita will do. I just like saying Turbodog. Turbodog.

Turbodog.

Next, find a kitchen. Most kitchens will do. Hopefully there is a functioning stovetop. And a deep cast-iron skillet. And some paper towels. And a bathroom nearby, because you will still be needing that frequently for the next few hours as your body continues to process the alcohol from Step 1. Turbodog.

There is probably some canola oil, or similar, in the pantry. And there's a 50/50 chance that some refrigerated biscuit dough is in the fridge. If not, forget this whole mess and just go to sleep. If so, proceed. Turbodog.

Frying up in HOT oil
  • Frying up in HOT oil
Heat canola oil, about two inches deep in the skillet, to 350 degrees. No frying thermometer? Stick your finger in to see how hot it is. Then call 911 to ask how to treat a first degree burn. Better yet ... skip the finger part and hope for the best with the oil temperature. Frying refrigerated dough is not that precise a science. It takes about 10 minutes to heat the oil up to the required temperature.

If you have lots of friends over, you can chop each piece of biscuit dough into quarters for doughnut-hole-sized beignets. Better yet, just fry each biscuit whole. Drop each biscuit or quarter biscuit into the oil carefully. These will splash hot oil on you if you drop them from a few inches up. If you try to shoot a biscuit basket into the hot oil from five feet away, you may also send enough oil over the side of the skillet to start a large fire. Don't do that. Turbodog.

Let the biscuit/beignets fry about a minute per side to a nice golden brown color approximately that of the darkened end of a french fry, or, if you don't care for french fries but love the Muppets, a color similar to Fozzy Bear's fur. Remove fried beignets onto paper towels to lose the excess oil. Then, throw them into a paper back (lunch bag, grocery bag, leftover Taco Bell bag with just a hint of processed cheese and industrial meat drippings inside, whatever you got), and pour in 3 boxes of powdered sugar, or about 1/4 cup, your call. Shake. You can pretend to be a mixologist and get all fancy with your shaking if your friends like that "Sh*t Bartenders Mixologists Say" video. Dump everything out onto the table and dig in.

TURBODOG!
  • www.abita.com
  • TURBODOG!
Oh, don't forget to make some coffee. Turbodog. Preferably with some whole milk and sugar, which is necessary to provide a lower level of contrast to the large amount of sugar topping your beignets and the equally large volume of saturated fat stored within them. Eat those beignets while they are still as close to the 350 degree oil temperature as possible. Immediately proceed back to step 1 and start again before the caffeine wears off.

P.S. A serious note. Seriously. You can make some great treats at home from Pillsbury biscuit dough and oil and powdered sugar. Not quite as good as the real thing, but darn good. Especially with a good cup of coffee in the morning. Or milk for the kids, who will love you and will wish that you had just made the beignets and not shared the whole drinking-in-New-Orleans story that accompanied them. Turbodog.

Here's Southern Living's version of this easy recipe, without all my important side notes!

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