I remember it so vividly. It was Halloween night and I was with two of my friends. I was dressed like a hula girl. I didn't say my costumes were creative. Anyway, I approached a house with a wide front porch, and when I went to plunge my hand into a bowl of candy left sitting out, a lady in a rocking chair in the shadows croaked, "Candy's for the kids." I looked up and smiled. "Are you serious?" I asked. "SERIOUS AS CANCER," the bitchwoman replied. Unnecessary to be rude. Doubly unnecessary to bring up cancer on a holiday.
That was more than a decade ago. And now I'm a grown woman and I can buy all the candy I want — whichever kinds I want — whenever I want. But, it's not the same, is it? Candy tasted better when it was free and we had to work for it. Aw, what little child prostitutes we were.
Still, just about every year, some blog or another publishes a list of the worst Halloween candies. Huffington Post did the honors this year in their piece, "12 Halloween Treats You Must Stop Tricking Us With." Their list is as follows ...
— Flavored Tootsie Rolls
— Good & Plenty
— Candy corn
— Now and Later
— Those generic strawberry hard candies
— Bubble gum
— Wax bottles
— Hershey's Symphony bars
— Necco Wafers
— Mary Janes
First of all, I'd say about seven of these are among my favorite candies. Flavored Tootsie Rolls? Good & Plenty? MARY JANES? What's to dislike about taffy surrounding a pocket of chunky peanut butter? Sure, it's grandma candy, but it's still candy and it's delicious. Which brings me to my second point: there's no such thing as bad free candy. If I could still go trick-or-treating without being shouted at about cancer, I would gladly take whatever crap people wanted to give me, and that includes apples and toothbrushes and the other "conscious" treats. Bitching about crappy Halloween candy is like being that asshole kid who complains about getting the wrong toy for Christmas. Except now that kid's an adult and the toy is roll of Smarties.
So, it's settled. We're not going to bitch about Halloween candy anymore, right? Fine, except candy corn. Candy corn really is the worst.
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