Omnivore - The savory, sparkly taste of processesd unicorn meat

Foodies debate the consumption of mythical creatures

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As gags go, canned unicorn meat is kinda sophomoric...or maybe outright offensive to people who collect little glass figurines. Remember Laura in Tennessee Williams’ play, The Glass Menagerie? Her beloved glass unicorn is a symbol of freakishness whose breaking impels the play’s action. (It is unclear whether Laura devours the shattered unicorn.)

But I digress. The best thing about this product is the commentary on Amazon. Many of the 118 comments are parodies of foodie language. Example:

The Agony of the Unicorns: Don’t order this product if you have a conscience. The unicorns in the industrial unicorn farms live in appalling conditions, in many cases worse than those of the pegasus ranches. Don’t believe the propaganda of Lisa Frank and the other tycoons of big unicorn; all that awaits these poor creatures is the abattoir and the rainbow factory. Be ethical and buy (kosher) dragon meat instead.

Another:

Tastes just like Satyr meat to me: I was eagerly anticipating my first meal made with Canned Unicorn Meat after I stumbled upon this product looking for recipes for Minotaur balls. I dutifully prepared a nice meal of rice, green veggies, au gratin potatoes to go with my canned Unicorn meat. I had of course eaten Unicorn before, out in the field after slaying the magnificent beast with arrows using my bow and quiver. Cooked over a fire out in the wild, Unicorn has a rougher, horsier texture and is usually best eaten well done. This canned Unicorn meat had a softer more tender texture, so I cooked it medium rare to bring out the mystical juices better.

To my surprise, there was not much difference in taste from that of the Satyrs I have eaten. Oh sure, Satyr tends to be a bit fleshier, but there really was not a significant difference. The good news is that if one is out of Satyr on a particular weekend, one can substitute this canned Unicorn meat and still serve a nice meal. I like to party with nymphs and fauns (which obviously are not the same as satyrs, as any numnuts would know) and thus it is handy to have a canned version of the sometimes elusive Unicorn meat in my forest abode.